


To get us back

by J_Antebellum



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23284339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Antebellum/pseuds/J_Antebellum
Summary: Ashlyn and Ali were so happy, once. They had a home, children... and then everything broke down and Ashlyn enlisted in the Army.But now she's back, and she's not giving up until she has her loves back.
Relationships: Ali Krieger/Original Character, Ashlyn Harris/Ali Krieger
Comments: 130
Kudos: 161





	1. Between the bullets

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Hoping you're all taking good care of yourselves with this Covid madness. I've ran out of the UK, where I've been living for a few months now, and returned to my hometown to support my family through these difficult times. Now I'm in lockdown ;)
> 
> Even though you probably hate me if you've been following my other fics and seen I've barely updated in the past year, I'm happy to finally announce I wrote ten fanfics, all Krashlyn, in the past year. One of them even has a part 2, so it's actually eleven fanfics. So anyway, now that we have these hard times I think all of us in lockdown locked in our flats for minimum a month will appreciate having stuff to read and get entertained, even if it's just fics, so I think it's the best moment to bring all the stories at once. Enjoy!
> 
> Also if you want to talk with me, ask when the next chapter pops or whatever, I'm jantebellum in Tumblr, so feel free to message me or send some anon over there!
> 
> Much love xx

**Chapter 1: Between the bullets.**

All Ashlyn could smell was dust and blood. All she could hear were explosions and bullets being shot back and forth between the screams and shouted orders of both friends and enemies and everything in between. The Middle East was arid, dry, rough and relentless, and her squad had been ambushed during one of the worst heat waves of the summer. They were doing humanitarian work, weren't supposed to see active combat for another week... and yet here they were, sweating, dirty, dying, and with the taste of blood eternally patent in their throats.

“Sergeant Harris, they're killing us!”

Didn't Ashlyn know that already? Their vehicle had exploded and suddenly they had all been in the air, and she knew then that a portion of the privates at her service had been automatically dismembered. The very few who had made it, like her, were scattered across the ground trying to shield themselves behind debris from the truck that had previously contained them, in an effort to protect themselves from the enemy attack, as the enemy's soldiers advanced on them, shooting everyone. It was incredibly hard not to get up and be shot, and Ashlyn kept looking around, her body pressed against the gravel and sand beneath her, trying to find a way to save her people. But they were in the middle of the road, there was nowhere to shield...

“We have to shot back! We have to kill them before they kill us!” Ashlyn roared at last, and with a grave scream filled with adrenaline, she led her remaining soldiers towards the bigger army, shooting everywhere she could look at until her weapons ran out of bullets, and then using them to hit here and there, using her fists too, and her knives. Anything would do.

But there must have been more land mines, because somebody stepped somewhere and Ashlyn felt a hot wind knock her off her feet, sending her flying through the air and into unconsciousness. The last she thought of before everything went back, were her children back in Orlando, who she feared might be getting the worst of visits from an Army HR person soon.

**. . .**

A couple weeks later, Sergeant Ashlyn Harris woke up in a hospital in Germany. Her head hurt like a bad bitch and there was far too much light in the room for her comfort levels. She blinked until her eyes got used to the light, and then she looked around to identify a hospital room, and German words on posters on the walls. She couldn't see far distances without her glasses, but she could see the nearest wall clearly, at least.

Looking down at herself, Ashlyn saw her tattooed body was naked, and she had a sling for her left collarbone and part of her left arm, which had dressings on and was in a cast. She also felt a dressing on her head, and moved her toes, to make sure she could move them all. Relieved, she let out a deep breath, but her calmness lasted very little, as the door opened and her superior, Major Ethan Hunt, stormed inside with his short white hair and an uneasy expression that relaxed when he saw she was awake.

“Sergeant Harris, you finally woke up! That's excellent news,” he said happily.

Ashlyn wasn't feeling so happy. She was tired, in pain, and her head felt twice its side, not to mention the dry throat that still tasted of blood.

“Water... please...” she managed to say, and surprised herself sounding very hoarse.

The Major stood there for a moment looking confused, and them seemed to react and nodded, peeking outside the room and calling a nurse. A moment later, a nurse rushed in, attending Ashlyn's needs, and was shortly followed by a doctor with a white coat, Ashlyn's older brother Christopher Harris, and Ashlyn's former wife, Alexandra Krieger, both of which looked a mixture of relieved and angry.

“We were hoping you'd be awake any of these days, Sergeant,” her doctor smiled kindly at her, with bright blue eyes and an intense German accent, as she checked Ashlyn's eyes. “You were in medically induced coma for over a week. We started reducing the medications a few days ago, so you'd wake up. Do you remember anything?”

Ashlyn urged her brain to work, and nodded slightly, feeling exhausted. The nurse was dampening her lips with a wet cotton, and it wasn't enough.

“We were ambushed,” she murmured tiredly. “They were going to kill us all... how come I'm alive?”

“Unfortunately, you're the only one. Your whole platoon was killed,” Major Hunt announced with quite the lack of delicacy, which made his words feel like a physical punch to every organ Ashlyn still owned. “Luckily, at least some of the enemy's platoon went down as well, but... when the helicopter found you, they could only find a pulse in you so they fought to save you. Everyone else was far gone, from some of them we still don't have every piece.”

Ashlyn flinched, not wanting to think about it. Whose pieces? Randy? Evannah? Christine? Roland? Hector? Jordan? Priscilla? Ashley? Name after name, her brain went through all her platoon, her soldiers, her friends... and a knot settled in her throat. They all had families. Wives or husbands, children, or were engaged, or had parents waiting for them at home, and siblings.

“Sergeant Harris...” the doctor seemed to sense the Major had been too hard on her. “You have a moderate concussion that will need a few months to fully heal, a fractured clavicle, fractured humerus, fractured finger, all in the left side, four cracked ribs, a fractured femur and a twisted ankle. You'll be spending some time in a wheelchair, I'm afraid, but you should make it to a full recovery, over the course of a year or so.”

“You'll receive a Honourable Discharge,” added the Major. “Go home Harris. Get some nice pension from the Army, go back to your kids, take all the time in the world and recover properly.”

“But I want to go back to the Army,” Ashlyn complained with a tired, hoarse voice. “You can't just discharge me, let alone honourably, I let my platoon die. It should've been me.”

“The Army's investigation has concluded your platoon was ambushed and the truck stepped on a landmine,” the Major informed. “You were outnumbered, it's a miracle any of you survived. The Army sees no responsibilities or faults in your actions; anyone else in your place would've been just as bad. You're alive because you've got a really nice guardian angel, Sergeant, so full honours. And it's not my place to decide if you're discharged or not, the decision was made by the big bosses, they considered that you had done well and if they didn't discharge you, you'll push it and return without a full recovery.”

“But Ma—,”

“But nothing,” Ali interrupted harshly, arms crossed across her chest as she glared at her ex-wife, “you're coming home, you hear me?! When are you going to stop, Ashlyn?! I'm not going to tell our children you're dead, damn it! Think of your bloody children, who spend day and night asking when their Mama is ever going to visit them! What kind of mother are you?!”

She shook her head in disapproval and, too angry to look at Ashlyn anymore, she turned around and stormed out of the room. The doctor looked cautiously at Ashlyn.

“Right so... We should leave her to rest, Major. Sergeant, your medical flight for Orlando, Florida, leaves the day after tomorrow, so for now just rest.”

“Yes, uh...” Major Hunt approached Ashlyn's bed and squeezed her good hand gently. “Good job, Sergeant. One coming home is better than none, don't beat yourself up too much... these things happen sometimes, it's not on you.”

“The youngest in my platoon was barely nineteen. If he wasn't my responsibility, then whose is it?”

Major Hunt sighed and shrugged awkwardly, before leaving with the doctor. Christopher sighed and took a chair next to Ashlyn, patting her hand gently.

“Ali's right, you know? The kids ask about you day and night and we don't know what to tell them anymore. Mavey's face of disappointment is always heartbreaking, and Wyatt and Denny are growing up without barely knowing you.”

“Do you think I don't think of them? Do you think it doesn't pain me?”

“Logically I know you love them and miss them,” Christopher shrugged, scratching his beard. “Which makes it more nonsensical that you'd rather go back to the Middle East and get killed than return to your toddlers and be a mother.”

Ashlyn sighed, closing her eyes.

“The Army is the only place left for me where I still feel like I'm somebody respectable, Chris. Somebody with honour, dignity, a mission and everyone's respect and admiration... all while changing the world for the least fortunate,” she opened her eyes again and looked at her brother. “Home I don't have anything else. Sure, my kids, but... they live with Ali and Hamish. I only get them in the weekends.”

“You only see them in the weekends because you failed miserably to prove the judge you could do more and be a great mother. When you divorced Ali, she said she would love to share custody, but it was the judge's decision, and he had to deem you fit for motherhood, and you failed every time. Ali didn't want full custody. She was the first one disappointed when you not only failed, but almost missed the appointment to see the judge as well.”

“I know I'm a disappointment, you don't have to rub it—,”

“I'm not rubbing it in. All I'm saying is Army honours mean nothing to your family if they cost what they're costing... and now you've got a chance to get your children's admiration and respect back. That should be your priority.”

“So I'm going to have to suck it and stand Mr Perfect?”

“Hamish makes Ali laugh again, and takes care of your children. You should be grateful,” Christopher scowled.

“He made Ali cheat on me—,”

“You weren't home!” Christopher hushed. “You abandoned her! You left her, unofficially! You can't blame her forever for finding love in the arms of another. She didn't end your marriage, she merely put the final period to it. I'm not saying cheating was right... but what you had could barely be called a relationship anymore. So you suck it now and fight to at least get your kiddos back.”

Ashlyn closed her eyes and released a deep sigh. Christopher was right. Ashlyn and Ali had gotten married back in 2015, after winning a World Cup playing together in the US Women's National Soccer League. Back then, Ashlyn had been 30 and Ali 31, and they had been dating for five years. They had retired after losing the 2016 Olympics, and Ali had their first child, a daughter named Maverick Alexandra, via IVF in August 2017. The labour wasn't perfect and Ali became unsuitable to carry again, and Ashlyn wasn't feeling it, so they decided to use Ali's eggs, while Maverick had been conceived with Ashlyn's, and a surrogate, and on March 2019 had their twins, boys Wyatt Christopher and Raiden James Krieger-Harris. But even before the twins arrived, everything had begun to crumble and they couldn't save it. Ali had started to devote a lot of time and energy into getting the rest of her coaching courses, as she wanted to get further coaching licenses than the ones she already had so she could coach senior teams, even if in order to get the license she had to travel up and down and leave Ashlyn with the kids for, sometimes, whole weeks in a row, and in 2019, when Orlando Pride's Head Coach suddenly suffered a stroke and decided to retire, Ali became his substitute. Meanwhile, Ashlyn had attempted and failed to become a show host, had done a bit of modelling, and as Ali spent more time travelling for work, Ashlyn assumed more and more the role of stay at home Mum, while craving the adventure, the thrill, the action... she started becoming very depressed and anxious, falling back into old mental health issues feeling she had failed to sail another professional career and many dreams wouldn't come true, missing Ali, feeling left aside by her, under accomplished, and overwhelmed by three little children and a feeling of not being good enough for them, and since Ali was travelling too much to see her wife was spiralling out of control and really needed her home, and Ashlyn became too focused on motherhood to really go out with friends, other relatives, or see a therapist, she ended up trying to commit suicide after Christmas 2019, when her beloved Nana had suddenly died of a stroke and it had been the last Ashlyn could stand.

That night, Ali had been gone for some coaching courses for a weekend, so Ashlyn called a nanny and went out for a drink, trying to feel better. Drunk, she had then decided to go out of the pub and out for a drive, and when descending a curve at fast speed, she had suddenly decided not to turn the car in the curve, and so she crashed against the road barrier, the car spun over it, and crashed into a tree. Ashlyn was alive by miracle, and still it took her six months to admit she had wanted to die and get help.

Event after event their marriage was straining more and more, even if Ashlyn's suicide attempt woke Ali up and prompted her to devote more to her family and stay at home as much as she absolutely could, rejecting most of her outside Orlando compromises. She left the Pride too and devoted to her camps with her company, AK Football Camps, focusing on working around Florida so she wouldn't have to leave the state and be too far from the family. Ashlyn felt Ali deep inside resented her, and Ashlyn resented Ali as well, although none were willing to admit it, even to themselves. By then, Ali was thirty-six and Ashlyn close to her thirty-fifth birthday. One summer day, as Ashlyn fought for her mental health and forced herself to go out and do some shopping for Maverick's third birthday party, she was approached by an Army recruiter and somehow, he convinced her.

She had military family so she knew how it was. It took her a month to reach a firm decision and have it clear that she needed to go. She needed to stop feeling so under accomplished, to get moving again, to punch some jerks and find a purpose bigger than herself. Like many who go into the army, she was running from stuff, and maybe it was just the ghost of her depression, but she really felt it'd be good for her. However, Ali didn't take it well. At first Ashlyn convinced her saying it'd only be six months, doing some humanitarian, non-combat work, and she'd be back feeling better. But the army never lets anyone out so easily and in the end, Ashlyn kept getting dragged for more deployments, and as much as Ali complained, Ashlyn never really tried to stand up to her bosses. She was getting promotions, ranks, her self-esteem was up... she missed her family and home terribly when she was deployed, but if she was feeling better in so many other ways then wasn't it worth it?

In the end, the next summer near Maverick's fourth birthday, Ashlyn had returned to surprise the family for her daughter's birthday, and had found her wife in their bed with another man, while the kids were in nursery. It felt like there wasn't much of a marriage to save, so divorce papers were firmed and Ashlyn escaped the world again, returning to the Army as if it was her life saver. She didn't manage to convince the judge to get shared custody, even when she wasn't the cheater, and all of it became too much pain to bear. Ashlyn packed a box full of unsaid resentment and anger towards Ali, and disappeared.

  
  



	2. Back home

**Chapter 2: Back home.**

Returning to Orlando felt weird. Ashlyn felt like a foreigner in her own city, like she didn't belong nor fit, and even less in a wheelchair in her little flat. Her daughter was nearly six now, the twins four, and her thirty-eighth birthday was near. On the other hand, her injuries were a pain in the ass and as much as the army had changed her in so many ways that she was more resistant to injuries, she still felt like she was miserable whenever she was that injured. On top of all, she had to be in a wheelchair now, but as her arm was also handicapped, she had to pay extra to get one of those wheelchairs with a control, so she could move it one-handedly.

“So what are you going to do now, uh?” Alexandra was saying while Ashlyn watched her quietly from her spot on her bed, where Ali and Christopher had put all the pillows and cushions in the house to help her move around. She also had a crutch supported on her bedside table, and rested now comfortably lying against the pillows while Ali went around her room, undoing her suitcase, organizing her clothes, making sure everything was at a close distance from them. Their dogs, Storm and Logan, were in Ali's custody as well, so Ashlyn was going to be quite lonely.

“I don't know, Ali,” Ashlyn sighed. Her relationship with Ali had ruptured in such a way that every time they spoke, or at least 90% of the times, Ali's tone was filled with resentment and frustration, Ashlyn felt like she couldn't get anything done right to please her, and at the same time, there wasn't a way of keeping Ali from mothering her 'you're the mother of our children too' she would say, 'if you don't take care of yourself, someone will have to'. But Ashlyn could see how tired she looked, and it only made her feel more and more like an eternal disappointment to her family. “I don't have that many options really. Lie down, rest, watch TV, and let the nurse you forced me to hire help me with eating and toilet stuff. It's going to be very romantic.” She added sarcastically.

Ali glared at her, angrily folding her shirts and putting them on a chair.

“You better do just that, because I have a copy of the keys and if I catch you drinking, partying, out of the house or with some little whore here, you won't have any eardrums left by the time I'm done with you.”

“You don't have to be so angry with me.”

“I would love not to be, but you seem to be a continuous source of disappointment, stress worry and fury,” Ali carefully hung some more shirts in Ashlyn's closet. “I can only pray none of our children turn out like you, because what a disaster Ashlyn. When was the last time you fucking ironed this? I'm going to have to spend an hour ironing your clothes, and I have to get Maverick's school uniform needs to be picked up, I'll have to ask Hamish to do that.”

Her words stung in ways that Ashlyn felt like cutting layers off the burned skin she had acquired, with a cutter and no painkillers. But she was used to it, so she gritted her teeth and looked down, keeping her glassy eyes of anger, frustration and sadness away from Ali's view.

“You could just leave them, I'll probably be in pyjamas for weeks.”

“Over my dead body. No, tomorrow I'm dragging you out of bed and you're coming with me and your daughter to get her birthday decorations at the store, for her party.”

“Which party? Can't you go with her alone?”

“The party I've spent a month organizing Ashlyn, that party. I booked the adventure playground for the day, the one she adores... and no of course I can't! That'd only mean you get to avoid parenting duties once more!”

“There are still three weeks until Maeve's birthday,” Maverick had many nicknames. Maeve, Mavey, Evie, Eve... they just went on and on. “Can't we all go in a couple weeks, once I feel a bit better? There's no use keeping all the decorations in boxes in your attic.”

Ali puffed and glared at Ashlyn once more, making her lower her head again and wish she hadn't said anything.

“Sure, and then have to do everything in a rush the same week of her birthday, along with the cake and coordinating all our families' trips to Orlando. Sounds lovely,” Ali said full of sarcasm.

“Leave,” Ashlyn said at once, tired of her crap. She was in pain, tired and depressed, this was the last thing she needed.

“I wish, but unfortunately I care about you and I need to make sure you're good to be left alone. And since last time you were left alone you ran into a tree on purpose, Christopher, your Mum and Dad, Liz, the nurse and I are taking turns so you're never left by yourself.”

“I don't give a shit, this is my house and I'm ordering you to leave me and my house alone. I don't want you here, you can leave your copy of the keys too. Christopher and Liz both have copies if I need something.”

Ali stopped folding and scowled, looking angrily at her.

“Are you kicking me out?”

“Bloody right I am,” said Ashlyn, looking up tiredly at her. “I will be at your house tomorrow at ten to get Maeve's decorations with you, but I'm done with your bullying so if you need anything else, you can call me or better, text.”

“Bullying you?!” Ali puffed, incredulous. “Are you serious now?”

“Yes, I am serious!” Ashlyn lost her patience. “You think you can come into _my house_ uninvited to tell me I'm a disappointment and a disaster and you wish my children won't be like me? You think you can come here, when I'm rock bottom and should be resting, to threaten me and ramble about all the bad stuff I am? Well you can't. Next time you even try to do that I'll put a restraining order against you, and I'm not joking. And don't you fucking say you care about me because you bloody hat—”

Ali snorted a dry laugh.

“A restraining order uh? So you really never want to see your children again, I see.”

“I'll speak with the judge, I'm sure we can find a way... after all, their custody should've been mine all along.”

“Oh yeah, you can hardly take care of yourself, but you would take care of three babies, two of them aren't even remotely biologically related to you. I'd say Hamish has better odds at obtaining full custody than you do.”

“I took care of them perfectly fine on my fucking own when they were actual babies, and you were never home, constantly doing AKFC football camps and going with the Pride all around the States, plus your many other events. I put my career on hold and acted pretty much like a single mother for a fucking year and a half, while you decided to go on and have an affair with Mr Perfect—,”

“Oh for fuck's sakes it wasn't an affair and you know it! You went to the Army! You were supposed to be working on therapy and getting better and I stepped away from my career to focus on our family, thinking it was your only focus too, thinking we could still be saved, and you go off and leave us!” Ali roared, furious, stepping towards the bed and pointing an accusatory finger at her. “We were separated! You made a one-sided decision and left me alone with a two year old and two one year olds, and I was alone and depressed and needed you and couldn't even phone you or mail you in the bloody Army! You left me! You broke our family! And only then, only then did Hamish come, and he was a good friend and he helped me and the kids with whatever we needed, and he was present and there for us, treating us right, being the second parent our children deserve and the partner I deserve! He's been nothing but caring and giving and kind to us, you should be grateful he took care of your family while you decided killing people was more important than us! And you know what?! When you caught us it was the first time we ever even kissed! Because I still hoped you'd come back, and because he was too much of a gentleman to go on with a married woman!” Ali rambled full of fury. “I'm not some whore, YOU RUINED OUR FAMILY!”

“ _I_ RUINED OUR FAMILY?! I NEVER WENT AND FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE IN THE SAME BED WHERE WE USED TO MAKE LOVE ALEXANDRA!” Ashlyn sat up in bed, red with anger. “I LEFT TO DO SOMETHING HONOURABLE, TO FIGHT FOR OUR COUNTRY, AND ONLY AFTER YOU HAD LEFT US TO PLAY FOOTBALL?! YOU RUINED US FOR FOOTBALL! TO GO AND BE A COACH AND HAVE YOUR PRECIOUS CAMPS! YOU'RE THE REASON I WAS SO MISERABLE I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF, YOU LEFT ME ALONE, YOU PUSHED ME BACK INTO DEPRESSION, YOU MADE THE ARMY THE ONLY CHOICE LE—,”

“OH FOR FUCK'S SAKES DON'T YOU DARE PUT THAT ON ME! THAT WAS YOUR SOLE RESPONSIBILITY! IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I DIDN'T GIVE YOU DEPRESSION, I DIDN'T PUSH YOU TO THE ARMY, ACCEPT YOUR BLOODY FAULTS ALREADY ASHLYN BUT DON'T YOU DARE—,”

“I'M ONLY STATING THE TRUTH, YOU FILTHY BITCH! I WAS LEFT ALONE, I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF ON MY OWN, IF YOU HAD LOVED ME, IF YOU HAD CARED FOR ME, IF YOU HAD UNDERSTOOD ME, IF YOU HAD WANTED ME TO GET BETTER AND STOP TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE, YOU WOULD'VE BEEN OKAY WITH ME BEING IN THE ARMY! BUT NO, YOU FORCED ME TO DECIDE ONE-HANDEDLY IF I WANTED TO LIVE, AND I LEFT, IT WAS JUST ONE YEAR AND I WAS COMING BACK TO YOU AND EVERYTHING WOULD'VE BEEN JUST FINE AGAIN! WE WOULD STILL BE TOGETHER IF YOU HAD JUST KEPT IT IN YOUR PANTS!”

“YOU WERE SELFISH! I WAS STEPPING BACK FROM MY CAREER TO HELP YOU, WE COULD HAVE GONE TO THERAPY TOGETHER, I WOULD'VE DONE ANYTHING FOR YOU, ANYTHING SO YOU WOULDN'T GO OUT AND KILLED YOURSELF AND LEFT ME ALONE WITH THREE KIDS!” Ali shouted so hard her face was red and her throat hurt. “1 YEAR I DECIDED TO FIGHT FOR MY CAREER TO KEEP BEING ABLE TO MAINTAIN AND TAKE CARE OF OUR FAMILY ASHLYN, ONE YEAR AND YOU COULDN'T FUCKING—,”

“Enough!” both women stopped, red and heaving, and turned to the nurse that stood at the door. “Ms Krieger, Ms Harris needs to sleep now, so please if you could go home...”

Ali took a deep breath and glared at Ashlyn, nodding and walking towards her. On the way there, she glanced at Ashlyn and stopped, pulling her key chain from her pocket and taking out Ashlyn's house's key, putting it harshly on the top of the chest of drawers.

“I've got to go take care of the kids, Hamish's asked for a sick day at work so he could stay with them, but it's time,” Ali said with the most collected voice she could use, eyes glassy with anger. “Sleep well.”

She turned around and left, and Ashlyn puffed, closing her eyes and letting her head fall on the pillow. She wanted to cry, but she had no more tears left.

  
  



	3. Smells of trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER:
> 
> All of this is FICTION. Even when there are characters named after and inspired on real people, and even when there might be real locations and historical events. It's still a FICTIONAL story, and it's not meant to detriment, insult or hurt anyone, but only with the purpose of entertainment.
> 
> I think we can all use some entertainment in our lives through these difficult times. I don't know you, but I've lost nearly everything over Covid. I no longer have a job, a career, and all my professional plans for this year are, as for now, cancelled. I can't even make any future professional plans as for now. I literally had to pack my bags, leave my first house since I moved out from my childhood home, and leave my friends there, my life there, everything, for God knows how long, so I could return home and take care of my elderly mother less than a week ago. And now I'm fighting to stay healthy so I can keep her healthy and take care of her, while we live on our savings, that's all we have left. And writing brings me a little bit of joy and for what I see, reading brings you a bit of joy too, and I think we can all use as much joy now as we can get. So that's the only purpose of fanfiction for me, nothing else, and certainly, nothing moved by some "white saviour complex" or a desire to deprecate anyone or anything.
> 
> Thank you all for your support and your comments. We will get through this, I don't know how, I don't know when, but we will. Trust me on this.

**Chapter 3: Smells of trouble.**

Ashlyn couldn't wait to see her daughter. It made it worth all the pain that had cost her to get ready that morning and the price of the special taxi for disabled people, after so long without seeing her baby girl. She just couldn't wait. With a smile from ear to ear, she rang the doorbell at Ali's house, and beamed as she heard her sweet girl's soft voice yell 'COMING!' at the top of her lungs. She ran fast and in a matter of minutes the door opened and Maverick appeared.

She was tall for her age, full of Harris' DNA, with Ashlyn's hazel eyes and same light brown-dirty blonde hair she had had as a child, a rectangular, sweet face with rosy cheeks, and she was thin, sun-tanned, and very talkative. When she saw Ashlyn, her jaw fell and she stood there for a moment. She hadn't seen Ashlyn since Ashlyn's last birthday party ten months previously.

“Maevey-boo! How's my most beloved princess?!” Ashlyn opened an arm up to receive her, excitedly waiting for a hug. “I've missed you!”

“Mama? What are you doing here?”

“Seeing you, of course. And Mum told me we have to get your decorations, right? For your birthday party?”

“Oh...” Ashlyn's smile fainted as she saw Maverick hadn't moved yet, and didn't look too enthusiastic. “I thought Daddy was coming with Mum and I.”

“Daddy?” Ashlyn scowled deeply, and her voice lost all charm and sweetness. “You don't have a Daddy, Maverick. You have Mum and I and we are going shopping. Are your brothers over there? They should come too,” she tried to smile again. “It'll be fun! Just us, like the old times!”

Maverick frowned, looking back as if hoping her Mum would appear already.

“Nana took Wyatt and Raiden to get their school uniforms for the new year,” Maverick explained. So Debbie was around. Ashlyn hadn't seen her in a while. “Mum is doing her make-up, she should be finished in a little bit.”

“Right,” Ashlyn nodded. “Then let me inside and we can sit and wait for her a little bit, shall we?”

“Mum and Dad really insist I don't let anyone inside if they're not down the stairs, and Daddy's in the shower upstairs too.”

Ashlyn was feeling upset and angrier by the minute.

“Maverick, I am your mother, all right? Look at me, you've got my eyes and everything. Now, again, you don't have a Dad nor a Daddy, if you call Hamish that once more we will have a problem, are you listening?”

“Mum said it's all right—,”

“Mum's wrong then, it's not all right.” Ashlyn wheeled herself into the house and punched the door close. Maverick stepped back to let her in, frowning. “And when Mama comes, you should always let her in and offer her a glass of water, just like you do when any other family member comes, all right?” she added more gently, trying her best not to get angry. “Now, you haven't seen me in months! Aren't you going to give me a good kiss, or what? Didn't you miss me?” Maverick shrugged.

“You look hurt.”

“I am a little hurt, but you cannot hurt me. Here, sit on Mama's knee,” Ashlyn pushed her to climb on her good knee, and kissed her cheek, holding her tight. “I love you so much peanut. I really missed you, it makes me sad you didn't miss me.”

“I did miss you!” Maverick said nervously, not wanting to make her mother sad, and kissed her cheek.

Ashlyn smiled small and pulled a locker necklace out of the confines of her t-shirt, opening it to show Maverick the little picture of her and her brothers she always kept close to her heart.

“See? I always have you three right on my heart.”

“What about Mum?”

The older woman sighed and shook her head.

“Mum has you on her heart, but she doesn't have me. She has Hamish. So... I can't have her either. You can never love someone who doesn't love you.”

“But Mummy loves you. She was crying yesterday because she said you were a mess and she didn't know what to do with you anymore.”

This was news to Ashlyn, but before she could say anything, they heard steps and Ali rushed in, looking hurried, and smiled seeing them together, Maverick still on her good knee, in a corner of the hallway.

“You arrived!” Ali grinned, as if their fight the day before hadn't happened. They had done that a lot around the children in the past. She looked beautiful, with gentle make-up and tight jeans. She didn't look a day over thirty at all. “Good! Maeve honey, why didn't you offer Mama a drink? Can I offer you anything Ashlyn?”

“No, thank you, I'm fine,” Ashlyn patted her daughter's shoulder. “She's learning the ropes. So the boys are with Debbie?”

“Yeah,” Ali nodded, grabbing their daughter's coat from the rack. “She arrived yesterday evening, for a few days. Hamish has a big meeting today he cannot miss, so she came very in handy.”

“Dad—,” Maverick eyed Ashlyn. “Hamish is not coming with us?”

“No honey, your Daddy has a lot of work to do. But he promised he'd be in time for bedtime story.”

“Yay!”

“Ali...” Ashlyn tried to keep her voice as calm and collected as possible. “I don't approve our children calling him their father. And I think, as their other parent... these are my kids too, I should get a say on whether they get a Dad or not. And I don't feel comfortable with that, let alone behind my back.”

Ali pursed her lips thoughtfully and gave her a short nod, letting her know she heard her, before putting Maverick's coat on the little girl.

“Let's go Maverick. Ash, are you okay in the copilot seat or would you rather go in the back?”

“I think the copilot is fine. More space for the legs, thank you,” Ashlyn used her monitor control of the wheelchair to follow them outside to the family car Land Rover parked in the driveway. It had been the same since the twins were born, and it had all the children's seats in the back seat. Ali strapped Maverick into her special seat in the middle and when she turned around to help Ashlyn into the copilot seat, having in count the woman had one arm and one leg in a cast, she was surprised to find the woman was already seated, and trying to fold her wheelchair with one hand.

“It's okay, I can do it,” Ali hurried, folding the chair and putting it inside the large trunk before getting in front of the wheel. Ashlyn looked to be a bit in pain, with a discreet hand over her ribs, but she didn't comment. Instead she smiled at their daughter through the rearview mirror. “All right, it's time to go! Have you decided which decorations you want yet love? _Frozen_ theme maybe?”

“Yes!” Maverick clapped excitedly, making them smile. “Mama, do you know _Frozen_? Do they have it where you work?” They had told Maverick that her Mama was always abroad because she worked very, very far away, helping out in very poor countries. It was the age 5 version.

“They don't have it there, but I did see in the computer!” Ashlyn said excitedly, happy to have something to talk about and reconnect with her. “Do you really love it honey?” she added as Ali smiled small, getting the car out of the driveway.

“Yes!” Maverick nodded eagerly. “You know why?”

“Why?”

“'Cause they're badass princesses, Mama! They're smart, strong, brave, and they fight for the things they believe in. And instead of only caring about finding a boyfriend, they care about each other more because they're sisters! And they take care of their people too!”

Ashlyn grinned at her excitement, trying to turn around to see her despite the pain the movement caused all over.

“That's right honey! Family must always be the priority. You look after your little siblings and take care of your Mum, remember?” is what Ashlyn had always told her before she had to go. “Family is the only thing that will always be there for you no matter what.”

There was some soft music in the car, and they enjoyed the ride silently for a moment. After a while, Ashlyn felt her daughter's gentle tapping on her elbow.

“Mama...”

“Yes love?”

“How did you get so many ouchies?”

Ashlyn smiled small, moving to caress her beautiful, innocent face.

“I had an awfully bad car accident at work, a car accident,” Ashlyn realized. In fact, she was becoming nervous for being in this car as well, but she was using every technique ever taught by any of her therapists to control it and not freak out.

“Oh... does it hurt much?”

“Not so much darling,” Ashlyn reassured her. Maverick was very empathetic, and she had even cried one time Logan got a cut while playing hard with another dog and got a couple stitches, causing her to be walking around the house looking miserable and crying dog style, making his youngest owner at the time also cry.

“Can I kiss it better?”

Ashlyn smirked, and saw from the rear view that Ali was smiling sweetly, while her eyes remained on her road. Their baby's kindness and sweet heart was always too much for them.

“Sure, kiss me here,” Ashlyn pointed to her cheek, “that will help!”

Despite the pain the movement caused her, she moved to stretch between the front seats and make herself accessible for her daughter, who happily kissed her.

Once they arrived at the mall, they went straight to one of the most popular shops for parties, and let Maverick pick almost whatever she wanted. Candles, colourful hanging decorations, _Frozen_ themed plates... Ashlyn learned many of Maverick's friends from kindergarten would come, and they also had to buy plenty of food and drinks not only for the children, but for the parents. Ashlyn couldn't really show off her Army strength and help carry things, but luckily with her wheelchair there were a few bags they could stick in it.

On the way back home, Maverick fell asleep almost instantly.

“How is her soccer practise going?” Ashlyn inquired softly, seeing their girl was sleeping. Since both mothers had begun in a soccer team at age five, and both had actually done sports pretty much from the womb, they had decided Maverick could join her first sports training for whatever she chose at age 5. She had had a period loving golf when she was three, for the mothers' dismay, as they found it insanely boring, but luckily eventually she had turned to soccer and, like Ashlyn, seemed to particularly love goalkeeping. So Ashlyn had proudly gifted her her first equipment, with gloves signed and all.

“She's a rock star, nobody jumps higher than her, nobody has more energy, nobody is more relentless, nobody takes it more seriously, and nobody has better reflexes. She's been practising playing catch at home with a soft tennis-sized ball, like you suggested,” Ali explained proudly. “I told you all about it in the last letter I sent.”

“You wrote me a letter?”

“Of course. With the children's drawings and all.”

“I'm sorry, it must've gotten lost in the mail... damn they probably think I never answered.”

“No, I explained to them sometimes the mail gets lost,” Ali shrugged. “So about the Daddy thing...” she added, eyes on the road. “I'm sorry, Ashlyn. I meant to consult with you, but communications work like shit with your job and...”

“I know. It's okay.”

“Look, thing is...” Ali bit her lip. “Look...” she repeated nervously. “Hamish and I have been discussing marriage. So he'll become the children's step-father, which is why when they have, on their own, started calling him Daddy we... we thought maybe it was best not to correct it, so it'd feel more natural once we married and he was indeed their father in some way. The kids don't know yet, and we aren't officially engaged yet, we're just... trying to warm them up to the idea, slowly.”

The news punched Ashlyn straight in the gut and she felt like she could vomit, sitting there in shock. Ali was ready to marry again? Just like that? Were they really never going to be a family again? Would she now have to stand Hamish for the rest of her life?

“Oh...” Ashlyn gulped the news like a hard pill, grimacing and looking away. “Well uh, congratulations then.”

“We're not engaged yet,” Ali repeated.

“Well why not? What's left to consider? The kids already call him Daddy, for what you said. Maverick wasn't actually happy to see me much, more like bummed her Dad wasn't coming. You missed that bit... so they obviously accept him.” She tried not to sound resentful, but Ali frowned lightly, more than anything concerned, and peeked at her for a moment. Ashlyn looked sad, staring at the window all bruised and bandaged. Her head still had a large gauze on her hairline.

“It's a big decision, I'm not sure I'm ready to get married again. We were together for eleven years Ashlyn, it's a lot to move on from and just... agree on becoming the wife of someone I've only known for a couple of years. And about whatever happened before with Maeve, I'm sure she was excited about you, it's just, she saw you after so long, and so wounded, she probably didn't know what to do. Children sometimes... you know how it is, if they don't see you every day, they forget you are the same Mama they remember and love in their heads. They know you and love you and miss you, they do tell me, you know? It's just hard for them sometimes to identify you face-to-face as you.”

“Sure,” Ashlyn sighed and then shook her head hating herself for what she was about to do. But she loved Ali, somehow, and wanted her to be happy, so she had to. “Do you think Hamish is a really good man? The guy you and the kids deserve at home?”

Ali pursed her lips in thought and then nodded.

“Yeah, he's really good, you can tell he really loves us and cares about us. He stays up through the night if anyone's sick, he cooks, cleans, pushes me to work on my career, picks up the children from school whenever, does the shopping, takes out the trash, walks the dogs, bathes the kids and puts them in bed... I never have to ask him to do anything, he's always one step ahead figuring out whatever he could do to make our lives easier. He even goes out and chops wood for the fireplace in the winter, from the tree we had to cut down because of the bugs... and he's devoted, loving, kind... he works so hard Ashlyn, and he has so much respect for you too, you know? He's always talking with me about what he can do to improve our own relationship, to help with the kids, to make things easier for you... he's a gentleman. If you gave him a chance, he'd show you he's good.”

“I trust your judgement, he sounds...” Ashlyn sighed, looking down. “Marriage material. Do you love him?”

“I uh...” Ali took a deep breath. “Yes.” _But I still love you too. I don't love him as much._

“And do you... imagine yourself growing old with him? Perhaps even having more kids?”

“I don't know. I think I've got all the kids I want... and growing old with him... perhaps it's too soon to wait.”

“You've got time. When it's the right moment, you'll know... we felt it when it was time.”

“Yeah... it's just, you know, I'm thirty-nine, I worry maybe he won't find me so attractive in a while. I know it's stupid, but you know...”

“It's not stupid, it's...” Ashlyn smiled sadly. “Society still has a weight on us, that's all. But I guarantee you, he'd have to be blind not to see how beautiful you are, now, at fifty, at ninety... if he wants to spend his life with you, he already knows. You should do what makes you the happiest.”

They sat in silence and Ali meditated her words, silently. Meanwhile, Ashlyn was becoming anxious about the time in the car, but also about a sudden though. If they married, she had no custody on the children and Hamish had free way to adopt them... and they'd never be hers again.

  
  



	4. I still belong here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Megan Rapinoe for inspiring the title of this chapter with her "I don't belong here" LOL.

**Chapter 4: I still belong here.**

Ali's house was the same house where Ashlyn had once also lived, but where she had made a point to rarely set a foot in since entering it the fateful day in which she had caught Ali having sex with Hamish in what had been their marital bed. Since then, the house had also changed. Any photographs of Ashlyn were now reduced to motherhood photographs in the children's rooms, some walls had different colours, there were new paintings, very few different furnishing, and more photographs of Hamish and Ali or Hamish with the children, all smiles.

The living room where now Ashlyn sat with a glass of her favourite drink, whiskey on the rocks, was quite different. They had rearranged were the sofa and the TV were, they had a new, bigger TV, and a new sofa with a new sofa cover, there were a bunch of new objects and books in the large en-suite bookcase, and the decorations were also different. Ali had just arrived with a tray with some snacks and their drinks, after putting Maverick in her room for a nap.

“Mum and the boys should be here for lunch, they've gone to the park,” Ali commented, checking her mobile. “Would you like to stay for lunch so you can spend some time with the boys too? Hamish shouldn't be home until dinner time, and I don't work today.”

Ashlyn had to admit that despite Ali and hers' ability to bicker and fight, Ali had been nothing but inclusive since Ashlyn lost her parental rights and custody. She no longer really had any say on what the kids did; no say in medical matters, educational, family, trips, nothing. However, Ali always tried to consult everything with her, even when Ashlyn had no say in the business, and usually had her opinion in count. Ali had never wanted for Ashlyn to lose so much and in fact, when they had initially begun discussing their divorce, Ali was always adamant that whatever they split was 50-50, even her own money and investments in the house, and had even spent a night working out an annual calendar so that Ashlyn and Ali could both spend two weeks a month with the kids, with different alternating weekends -so whoever had them during the week didn't on the weekend, but on the weekend before their actual week started, and that way the kids saw them both each week and nobody had to be moving houses on a Monday, but on Fridays after school- and alternating holidays, including them both in the children's birthdays and Christmas Day. However, the judge was hard on Ashlyn, and ended up taking it all away. The fact that she arrived late for the meeting with the judge because of a broken tire hadn't really helped her case either, and neither had Ali's compliments to her motherhood skills.

“No, it's okay,” Ashlyn murmured, staring at a fixed point on the table. She had only agreed to stay for a drink because she had really felt like she needed alcohol in vein, but all that she could think of since Ali had told her about the wedding was going home and sliding under the covers. She really was depressed, and not even the dogs' familiar presence -the little French bulldog Storm cuddled against her good leg, the little horse Cane Corso Logan with her head on her feet- seemed to comfort her enough.

Ali sat on the other sofa, trying to guess her mood.

“The boys would really, really love to see you. Don't you miss them?”

“Of course I miss them. But I better get used to that, right?”

“What do you mean?” Ali asked with a frown.

“Well, they already call Hamish Daddy. Soon, his parents will be their grandparents, his siblings their uncles and aunts, his nephews and nieces their cousins... the Harrises will be less and less in our children's memories, and I get it, it's completely normal. With Hamish here, they get to have a proper American family where they never have to miss anyone, no bad influences... It doesn't matter if I'm back for good. I can't go back in time, Ali, and in the end of the day as much as it pains me... Three years ago I made the decision to leave you all for the Army two years ago I lost all my rights with them. And I did because the judge saw how it would end up. Here, after three years gone, with three children that can't possibly have memories of me before leaving, for whom all I am is... someone they hear about and see a few times a year. I'm like Santa, I send them presents, they see me once or twice... but I am not their mother,” she reflected in a low voice. “I've missed out on everything so much they don't even know what to do when they see me. Hamish knows them better than I do now, Ali. He was here every day for three years, which is what they deserve, I wasn't... if anybody deserves to be called their parent, is him. Once you marry, the judge will grant him adoption of the kids, joint legal custody and all in three seconds and... I'll never get it back.”

Ali rolled her eyes, trying to hit back with gentle comedy, trying to stop her from self loathing.

“I never took you for a woman who dwells in self-pity. I thought if you wanted something, you fought for it.”

“I'm not dwelling in self-pity, Ali... I'm analysing my reality. And I give up, Ali,” Ashlyn said after long, careful consideration, as she had been thinking about it since the marriage plans' news.

“What do you mean you give up? What?”

“I want Hamish to be their father. Doesn't matter if you marry him or not... he's a father. He's a natural. He loves you guys and the kids love him... And if I loved my family I'd want nothing but the best for them and that's not me. Not just because I'm physically handicapped now, not just because I need therapy for life, not for any of those reasons really... I just don't know them. I didn't take care of them once in the last three years when they've been sick, or when you have. All I did was send money and that's not parenting. Parenting is comforting them when they're scared, bathing them, reading bed time stories, cooking for them, learning all about them, taking them to school, doing homework together, doing all kinds of stuff together... And for three years, you and Hamish did that. Not me. He's earned to be called Daddy, and I lost the every right to be a mother not when the judge said so, but four years ago when I recklessly drove against that three. It was Christmas and I didn't give a shit about my children losing their mother over Christmas, or you... you guys deserved so much better and I really fucked it there. And there's no going back. But uh, that said, I guess I could be some sort of Auntie right?” Ashlyn offered, frowning and staring at her knee in thought. “I could... be there at the birthdays, babysit, once I feel better, maybe give them presents now and then, right? That could work...”

Ali puffed deeply and moved to a chest of drawers in a side of the room. She rummaged between the drawers and pulled out a few thick books she brought to Ashlyn and opened one on her lap. The first page showed a photograph of newborn Maverick, with her tiny hand gripping one finger hard. Below it read ' _Maverick Alexandra Krieger-Harris, born 29 of August 2017 in Orlando, Florida, at 9:20 AM_ '.

“That's your hand there,” Ali pointed out. “Because with the post-partum complications I had to stay in the ICU for two days, and you stayed with her under my orders, and sent me pictures and videos all the time so I wouldn't miss a thing. And after, you were still her main caretaker for two weeks until I felt properly strong again, and so when we brought her home, you were the only one who could calm her down when she was upset at night.” She added, passing the page to a photograph of Ashlyn asleep on a hospital chair, with the baby sleeping held between her arms against her naked chest, for skin-to-skin contact, while Debbie grinned, sitting next and supervising. “Even when you fell asleep, you always held quite the hard grip on her so we wouldn't dare to try and take her out.”

“I didn't want her to fall...” Ashlyn murmured.

“And she never did,” there was the first photo of the three as a family. “And you didn't let me fall either. When I got mastitis, you always kept track of my meds and took care of me. Even when it coincided with the baby's first stomach bug, you took care of both of us,” the next photo showed Maverick's first smile. “You remember what was going on here?”

“No. Probably one of those silly smiles they get without really meaning to when they're little...”

“No. This was her first actual, real laugh,” Ali smiled softly at the memory. “You had gotten a shark costume for Halloween, and were dancing around singing 'Baby shark' while she was looking from my lap. I was cracking up, and she couldn't take her eyes off you, and then you slipped with the damn costume and fell on your ass and she absolutely laughed, hard, soundly laugh. Because of you.”

“Because I'm silly,” Ashlyn half smiled sadly. “Yeah, I've got the faint memory.”

“She loves your silly side. Your dance parties, when she was a toddler... she begged for them for months after you left, but I could never manage to to them the same. And you were the one who found out it was a spider hidden in her sheets which was causing her bites day and night, and killed it, even though you hate spiders.”

“Nobody touches my baby.”

“That's what you said,” Ali nodded. She closed the book before it was finished, to open another. Similarly, it begun with a picture of the newborn twins and the caption ' _Wyatt Christopher & Raiden James, 23 of March 2019. Born in Orlando, Florida, at 8PM._' Both captions had Ashlyn's handwriting. The next picture showed the family of five plus the dogs, all happily home, as the twins had been born through surrogate and had also made it home quite fast. “This night, we ended up with all three of them in our bed. You could barely fit in the bed, and still I remember looking at you, and you had this insane beaming smile, and you said that you had never known someone could be so happy. That life was perfect.”

“It was...”

“It could still be,” Ali sighed. “Remember Raiden's first steps? You were alone with the boys because I had to take Maverick to the doctor after she was vomiting a lot, and we had thought it'd be faster if I went alone with her and you stayed with the boys, who were still so little and could be problematic. And you were with Raiden, on the basement, was it?”

“The boys were playing in the basement with their toys, so I could see them while I organized some boxes there,” Ashlyn remembered. “I somehow tripped while holding a box in front of my face, fell, made a mess. And Raiden had been about to start to walk any day then, while Wyatt was slower... we had been carrying the videocamera around hoping Raiden would do it. So I was on the floor cursing all over the place because I had hurt my bad knees, and then I felt Raiden's little hand on my hair, and he was stroking me somehow...” she smiled small at the memory. “He was on his feet, had walked two metres on his own to check on me.”

“You remember my Dad had told us he'd walk when he had a good reason, so we had spent weeks bribing him with toys for nothing? In the end, he only wanted his Mama.”

“He's a good boy.”

“He is,” Ali agreed with a nod, and let out a loud sigh. “Look, Ash... I haven't been fair with you. We had a wonderful life together, everything was perfect, even with the ups and downs... we always pulled through.”

“We did.”

“We should've been able to solve whatever came our way. We were blessed with three babies. We had this home, our doggies, our perfect jobs...”

“Not quite though. I missed soccer so much, I still do. I never got a satisfying job after retiring, nothing of the stuff I wanted.”

“And part of the reason you didn't was because when it came to my career I went all in from the start and forced you to leave your career aside to do part of my parenthood share aside from yours, isn't it?” Ali murmured. This was the most decently and peacefully they had talked since Ashlyn had found her with Hamish. “I could've gone back to work slower, respecting we had very little babies, I could've reduced my work load for a bit, at least until the kids were big enough for us to feel okay having a nanny with them, isn't it?” They had refused to have a nanny when the babies were the littlest, because on one side it was a stage where they evolved so quickly and they didn't want to depend on a nanny and miss out on those things, and on the other side, they were newly mothers and paranoid about leaving their kids, unprepared to trust a stranger with them just get. Due to this, they had had to choose who of them would back out of their career for a while to stay at home with the babies, and Ashlyn had pretty much been forced to do it, as her career wasn't really thriving to begin with, and Ali's was.

Ashlyn looked timidly back at Ali and shrugged. She was still fearful of making her explode, guilty of her faults, too depressed to really stand up for herself.

“I did love having more time with the kids, I love them... but I guess it was just all the time, you travelled so much and in the end I felt neglected by you, alone in parenthood, overly anxious and stressed with feeling the only one responsible of the children... not to mention how much of a failure I felt professionally. I was used to success, my whole life... to working hard every day, to earning everyone's respect, to being independent and capable on my own,” she commented, opening up a little. “Then all of the sudden the world forgot about me, the glory left, I was a professional failure, I was pretty much a trophy wife providing nothing for the house and our growing family, and it was just...”

“Too much.”

“Yeah,” they nodded silently, in mutual agreement. “Gosh Ali, I don't want to sound like our children ruined my life, it's just...”

“No, I get it. When I was pregnant with Maverick, as exciting as it was, it was a bummer to not be able to do most sports, my greatest passions... I couldn't even do the camps for the whole last semester, remember?”

“'Cause the doctor said it was too risky, that what if you got a stray ball in the belly.”

“Yeah... and meanwhile you were out there doing all the work, succeeding so much, I was so jelly sometimes, and so proud,” Ali smiled small at the memory. “And you still managed to be home and take care of me so much, like I couldn't do when you were the one home.”

“Come on, you—,”

“But it's true, Ash,” Ali said plainly, without self-pity, putting the albums aside on the coffee table. “You achieved perfect balance, so I wasn't moping around in the house too much, and let's be honest, I had so much fun decorating the nursery while you worked I almost forgot I couldn't work. You treated me like a queen, so instead of having nine months craving work, I only had moments. But then I had that shitty labour, and you had to stop so abruptly and spend months looking after Maeve and I, so suddenly stopping everything you were doing...you helped me get back on my feet and the moment I did I left to travel the world and work my butt off feeling that I had so much to get done after over a year lost. I was barely even here for Maverick either, let alone for you, and when I returned I was always tired... it was as if we had been running this race, and I fell, you helped me get back up, and I thanked you by kicking you in the groin and running a sprint while you were left behind. I shouldn't have done that.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly, picking on the plaster of her left hand. Between her broken humerus and finger, she had a cast from almost her shoulder to the tip of her finger, which wasn't very comfortable.

“You deserved a big comeback, and I thought I could take care of things...”

“And you did so well we decided to go for another pregnancy without thinking it'd be twins. I should've backed down from work big time there, but I was over confident and turning a blind eye on you, I neglected all of you... and then you sank, is that right?”

“It wasn't your fault, I should've said something, I should've insisted more on you being home... I just didn't want to disappoint you, you looked so happy...”

“But you should've, Ash. Instead you tried to kill yourself and even though we both know you had been the main parent, you deserved the kids' custody the most, you were just mentally ill and a victim of the circumstances... I got the credit and the custody and everything. And in reality it was my fault. If I had kept an eye on my family and seen what was happening, if I had taken care of you, knowing you've been fighting mental illness your whole life, fully conscious of what could happen, like I vowed to do when we married, you wouldn't have gotten so ill, I wouldn't have felt lonely and found someone else, you wouldn't have gone to the Army, we wouldn't have divorced... the moment you tried to kill yourself, I should've dragged us both to couples' counselling, gotten you a lifetime pass of therapy, and pulled our family back together like you did first. I failed you all... and you don't know how sorry I am.”

Ashlyn looked up at her, seeing tears in her eyes, and shook her head, reaching out to hold her hand.

“It was both of our faults. I lied to you. You asked me time and time again if it was all right, if it was okay if you went here and there, if you worked in this or that... you were always texting and calling, remember? You wanted hourly updates, I had to pretty much push you into the plane every time you left because it made you so anxious to leave us... and I was a pretty good actress. Never once did I complain, never once did I tell you how I was feeling or that I needed you home... until I got myself in the hospital you didn't even suspect something could be wrong, because I made sure you wouldn't. And even then, how many months did I deny having done it on purpose, even when police assured they had no clue how an experienced driver like me, who wasn't over speeding or anything, ran into a tree in a clear, well-lighted road? I kept lying and in the process, I delayed getting the help I needed. So... let's just agree we fucked up as a team, okay?”

“A team,” Ali stressed, smirking sadly at their old nickname.

“Yeah...”

They sat for a moment in silence, drinking their whisky on the rocks that they both had, and at last Ali put her empty glass on the table and gave Ashlyn's knee a gentle squeeze.

“Don't give up. Don't settle with being an Auntie when you are their mother, and no one else can play your part.” The older woman said.

“Ali, I already told you, I—,”

“No. Before you were alone Ash, but now? You've got me. We're going to get you back to full health, and you can come all the time you want, see the children whenever you feel like... I'll even give you a copy of the keys. You do your rehabilitation exercises, go to your medical appointments, see a therapist, you'll see you feel so much better soon. Those kids,” she pointed to the albums, “they need their Mama. I cannot be you, Ashlyn. I cannot ever be enough, nor I'd want to.”

“But you and Hamish and the kids—,”

Ali was fast to cut her again.

“The fact that Hamish and the children get along so well only means that I didn't completely fucked things up as hard as I could have. But you're right, our children don't have a father and they don't need one. They need you. That's all. So please, don't let the monsters in your head win and take away the stuff you love, because they're not right, they're just an illness. We need you.”

Ashlyn took a deep breath, staring at her for a long moment, and for the first time in ages, she didn't see hatred, resentment and disappointment filling the beautiful brown tiger eyes she had fallen in love with so many years before, but worry and appreciation. Still, there was something that bugged her.

“Why do you hate me so much?” she murmured. Baffled, Ali blinked several times in surprise and frowned lightly.

“What? I don't hate you.”

“Maybe not right now but... for months, is like whatever I do pisses you off. When you came to my place the last time, the stuff you said... you wanted to hurt me. You wanted to. And ever since I signed for the Army, you're always so harsh and so hurting towards me, even in the hospital, it's like you're always angry, like I'm always doing stuff wrong.”

“Funny you should say that, I distinctly recall you pointing your gun at Hamish when you caught us, and then refusing to even look at me for six months. You went to the Army and didn't even call me anymore.”

“Because I loved you and looking at you or listening to you hurt too much,” Ashlyn confessed, frowning. “Not because I hated you.”

Ali shrugged and reflected silently.

“I did hate you,” she confessed at last, and Ashlyn wasn't even surprised. “I hated you for leaving, I hated you for not being able to be a single mother so I could thrive, I hated you for being depressed, I hated you for making me cheat, because of course I blamed you for that... And I hated myself too, for a long time. Sometimes I still hate us all and I lash on you and I'm sorry, it's just... part of me felt so frustrated and angry that we couldn't make it work and that I was so used to you always being the mental illness expert and the toughest one that then I got furious you crumbled and I know it makes no sense—,”

Ashlyn put her finger gently on her lips to seal them, and smiled kindly, sadly.

“You were furious things weren't going our way, and directed it all towards me because I was the one with the situation that frustrated you the most.”

Ali managed a small side smile.

“See? You always know.”

The younger woman snorted a laugh, and it was too much for her fractured ribs, causing her to groan and shut her eyes in pain.

“Damn,” Ashlyn murmured. “I shouldn't have asked for whiskey. I can't take my painkillers now.”

“Tell you what,” Ali said gently. “Why don't you lie down in here for a bit? I'll close the door so the children don't barge in, I'll give you some pain relief cream and a blanket, and you can relax for a little bit until lunch, uh?”

“I should probably go ho—,”

“Ashlyn Michelle Harris...” Ali used her best warning tone, paired with a stern look that instantly softened when Ashlyn sighed and nodded, conceding. “Come on, let me help you.”

Ali stood up and adjusted the cushions on the sofa for Ashlyn, before carefully helping her lean down on the cushions and lie down. All the while she was moving, Ashlyn looked to be in excruciated pain and clenched her teeth, until she was finally settled in and let out a long sigh of relief. Then, Ali went to a chest of drawers nearby and pulled out a blanket, extending it over Ashlyn and carefully tucking her in, removing her shoes. It was August, so it was so warm they had the fan on, but a nap always felt better with a little blanket.

She then carefully pushed the dogs out of the sofa and then, Ali quietly left the room, closing the sliding glass door. Ashlyn closed her eyes against the cushion that smelled of Ali's perfume the most, and only realized she had fallen asleep when unexpectedly, she felt cold in her chest and her eyes snapped open to an apologetic-looking Ali.

  
  



	5. Into you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want to point out I wrote Hamish inspired on my lovely former housemate hahahaha

**Chapter 5: Into you.**

“Sorry,” Ali held the promised cream for the pain and contusions up. She had pulled her long dark hair into a low bun and rolled up her sleeves a little, and then had sat on the bedside table and lowered Ashlyn's blanket, before opening her shirt. Because bras caused too much pain at the moment, the action had caused Ashlyn's nipples to feel the air from the fan directly and had woken her up. “May I? It's better you don't move...”

Ashlyn blinked several times as she fully woke up and understood, looking down. Her torso was full of bruises of different colours, particularly where there were fractured ribs, and healing cuts here and there. Despite a large part of her body being covered in tattoos, it was still obvious she had survived something she shouldn't have.

“Yeah... yeah, thank you. So kind of you...”

“Tell me if I hurt you, okay?” But Ashlyn hardly even felt it. Ali's fingers were barely brushing over her bruises and wounds, carefully applying the soothing ointment that Ashlyn had long been using when she was a goalkeeper and that later they still bought for Maverick. It was a miracle they still made it.

“Oh my... that's so good...” Ashlyn didn't know what felt better, the cream, or another person's gentle touch. “You're an angel...”

Ali snorted a laugh.

“I'm far from it, but I'm glad it helps,” Ali carefully manoeuvred Ashlyn's arm in a cast out of the way to continue applying the ointment. “Shit, this looks like it really hurts... what a miracle you made it out in one piece.”

“I fainted,” Ashlyn confessed, eyes closed in exhaustion. “I fainted, and let my platoon die. Some were merely kids, Ali...”

Ali frowned and after carefully lying some kitchen paper over her torso so the cream wouldn't go into the blanket or Ashlyn's shirt, she put the blanket over her again.

“They chose to be there,” Ali murmured, gently caressing her hair. “You can't save everyone. You did your best, but their deaths weren't your fault.”

Ashlyn's hair had gone from long and blonde when she was a toddler to short and darker in her late childhood, long and dirty blonde as it darkened in her teens, short again and getting brown, then long and brown, darker with the years, then she had started dying some locks pink, then blonde, finally whole hair platinum blonde, long and wavy during most of their dating years, then one day she chopped it all off and it got really dark, finally let it grow until by the time Maverick was born it was dyed blonde and long again, and then for the Army she got the most drastic chop yet and left it so short and naturally dark that there was barely a lock longer than a centimetre. Now, however, it had grown a little further, still short, but with enough of a little mane to be able to get a small fistful from it, wavy, and with a bit of bangs. All the time Ali had known her, Ashlyn had spent hours to get it looking all nice, but ever since the suicide attempt she had abandoned that routine and let it be naturally messy, which wasn't a bad look on her either, and wouldn't be bad news if it wasn't because it was one more evidence of how deteriorated Ashlyn's mental health had gotten.

Now, Ashlyn's lips pressed against her palm and instead of moving away, Ali smiled, feeling her heart flutter, and leaned to kiss her forehead. She remained that close, caressing her hair as the younger woman started to drift back to sleep.

“I'm going to check on Maverick, see if she can assist me in the kitchen,” Ali whispered. “I'll make some lunch before Mum and the twins arrive, and you will stay and eat properly, okay?” she added affectionately.

“Okay,” murmured Ashlyn in response, feeling comfortable, warm, cuddled and valued. “Thank you Alex.”

The nickname always made Ali's heart skip a beat.

“It's my pleasure.”

Ashlyn was soon deep asleep, but it felt like a moment before she felt herself arise from a dreamless sleep, feeling observed. She slowly opened her eyes, and smiled when they met with another pair of hazel eyes, rounder ones, that stared at her full of innocence and wonder. As soon as the little girl found Ashlyn awake, she moved her chin away from the edge of the sofa and gasped.

“Sorry!”

“It's okay angel baby,” Ashlyn reached out with her healthy arm and got a strong grip on her, bringing her close for a gentle squeeze and making her giggle. “Did you have a good nap?”

“Yes!” Maverick played with Ashlyn's hair absently. “Mummy says it's lunch time.”

“Then let's not make Mummy wait.”

Clenching her teeth hard once more, Ashlyn sat up and got herself back into her wheelchair, buttoning-up her shirt again before rolling out of the room with Maverick running behind. They soon reached the laughter emanating from the dining room adjacent to the kitchen, where the family was reunited to eat and it really smelled of chicken soup. Ashlyn felt nervous seeing her former mother in law again, after so long, but she managed to completely forget about it when her sons came running, living images of Kyle and Ali, and giving her the welcome home she had long dreamed of.

“MAMA, MAMA!” they shouted, running to her. Raiden climbed onto the chair, hugging her so tight she groaned in pain, yet smiled regardless, and Wyatt, ever pleasant, settled with hanging in the other side, gripping a fistful of Ashlyn's shirt sleeve.

“Hey there! You guys! You're huge!” Ashlyn over-exaggerated being thoroughly impressed with their growth, although she was -and yet they were Krieger DNA, so not as tall as Maverick as their age- and made them laugh, tickling them and kissing them. “And so handsome! You're almost as tall as me now!”

“Mama, Mama, look, Nana got us haircuts!” said Wyatt, pulling his short hair.

“Oh Nana did that? Isn't she the best?!” Ashlyn grinned, pulling him in for a kiss.

“We missed you Mama,” said Raidan, hugging her close. The pain was getting unbearable with so much movement, but Ashlyn didn't push him away.

“I missed you too, sweet boy. Every day,” she kissed the top of his head and patted his little butt. “Come on, now let's sit down for lunch. Mama prepared something so yummy for us and we must eat it all!”

When she looked up, both Ali and Debbie were smiling gently at them.

“Can I sit on your lap Mama?” Wyatt asked, giving her his best pleading brown eyes.

“Sweetheart let's not get on Mama so much, uh? Remember what I said about her being hurt,” said Ali firmly but softly. “We want her to get better so she can run around the garden playing with you soon, right?”

“Oh, right!” Wyatt nodded, and contented with climbing on the chair next to Ashlyn, while Maverick hurried to get the other spot next to her.

“We're so happy to have you back darling,” Debbie said, standing up to kiss Ashlyn in the top of her head and give her good shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Was the nap good?”

“Thank you Debbie, yes, it was good... thanks Ali,” Ashlyn added as Ali gave her a full plate. “I'm happy to be back myself.” She added sincerely, smiling up at her former mother-in-law.

“And how are your parents?” Debbie added, sitting down. “Haven't heard for them in a while. Is your Mum doing better after that terrible virus she had?”

“She's on antibiotics, somewhat better,” Ashlyn nodded. “And Dad's okay, he was promoted recently.”

“Oh that's good,” Debbie smiled, nodding.

“How's Mike?” Ashlyn's father's namesake was Debbie's second husband, who wasn't Ali's Dad. He and Debbie normally lived in Miami, but now and then Debbie would try and make a trip to Orlando to see the kids, and sometimes with Mike, if his job allowed it. He had terrible holidays, while Debbie, who was a teacher, could always come up during the school holidays.

“He's all right, business is going well thankfully.”

“Mama, did you know I'm starting school next month?” Maverick commented to Ashlyn, smiling with three teeth out. “I'm going to Primary!”

Ashlyn feigned surprise.

“Really?! Already? No way you're so big already!”

Maverick giggled and nodded.

“I'm high-five big!” she said, raising a whole hand. “Look!” Ashlyn laughed and high-fived her. “And next Tuesday I'll be six!”

“Yes indeed! Woah, it's going to be so cool! Which friends are coming to your party again?”

Maverick stuffed a whole spoonful of soup in her mouth prompted by her Mum's gentle nudging, and acted thoughtful, using her fingers to count.

“Lucy from soccer practice, Peter from nursery, the neighbours Jana and Elon... Cash and Roux of course, cousins Jenson and Raya, Kevin, Selena, Mary, my friend Julie...”

“Baby you have more friends than I do! Mummy and I better get you a huge cake so there's enough!” Ashlyn grinned, gently squeezing her cheek and making her giggle. “Now finish your plate, uh? Six year olds need a loooooot of food to be so big.”

They continued to eat and chatter happily, and over desert, a beautiful cake Ali had made all by herself, Debbie asked Maverick what did she want for her birthday.

“Nothing, Nana,” the kiddo shrugged, surprising them. “I already got all I wanted.”

“Aww, that's so sweet baby,” Ali looked proudly at her. “But how! Just last week you were telling Hamish that you couldn't have what you really wanted.”

“Ah, that,” Maverick stuffed a spoonful of cake in her mouth and shrugged again. “I thought Mama couldn't come, but now she's here.”

Ashlyn's jaw dropped, moved.

“Aw... baby, you wanted me as a birthday present?” Ashlyn could cry, but she resisted, hugging her daughter instead. “That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me! But I would never, ever miss your birthday, honey.”

“But you did last year, and you missed the twin's birthday back in March.”

“Well, yes,” Ashlyn winced, hating to have done that. “But I wasn't going to miss this one. I had booked plane tickets to come and surprise you.”

“Had you?” Ali inquired, full of surprise.

“Yes, sure,” the former goalkeeper nodded in all seriousness, and looked back at her daughter. “But Mama's so silly she got hurt right before she could come! Good thing Mama's boss decided to help her get home anyway, isn't it?”

“Yes,” Maverick grinned. “And you never leave again?”

“Never ever.”

“Ever?” added Raiden, raising his eyebrows a lot. Ashlyn chuckled.

“Never, ever.” She repeated.

Late that night, Ashlyn lied back on her own bed in the little house she had acquired post divorce. She had somehow managed to make it up the stairs, hoping on her good leg and holding hard onto the handrail with her good hand as well, and now she took deep breaths and stared at the darkness, willing herself to sleep after a full day of fun with her children.

All of their children had been given tough names. Maverick meant independent, non-conformist. Raiden came from the Japanese Raijin, God of thunder and lightning. And Wyatt was something like brave in war. There was a good reason for it. When they were thinking baby names, they wanted their daughter to be independent, warrior, non-conformist. To not settle down with what a male-centrist world wanted her to be or let her be, to fight her own battles, to not depend on anyone else and be able to just be free spirited and happy without caring about anyone's opinions. And when the twins were on their way, they were told it'd be a risky pregnancy. The surrogate mother was young and tough, and still they had offered her the possibility of aborting, understanding that with the pregnancy's high risk her life was on the line too and she shouldn't have to die for money. But the woman had insisted the other two deserved to have their twins, and that she couldn't just have an abortion, and went on, saying she would do her best to give her strength to the kids so they'd go on too. And they did. Unfortunately, the surrogate mother lost a lot of blood during labour, similarly to what had happened to Ali, but unlike with Ali, this time the woman didn't survive. It was frustrating how they had had all risky pregnancies no matter what, but they didn't have much time to be sad; they had two premature boys who really needed them to survive.

And so they prayed for them to have strength, to be stubborn, to make it impossible for Death to take them. To be tough dudes through the storm. And so they found their names online, found their meanings, and loved them so much they chose them for their boys after they were born. They had since long been teased 'wait until Raiden starts being stormy' for their names, and it was true sometimes all three children were by far too competitive, stubborn, reckless and adventurous, but they still had no regrets. And when Ashlyn had enlisted, she had prayed they'd continue to be strong people, tough ones, and at the same time soft and gentle and kind... now that she was back, she smiled to herself knowing they had achieved it. They were so lucky.

Her thoughts brought her to sleep and, with the help of all the medications she was taking, it was dreamless and nice, not filled with the nightmares that had often crowded her dreams since she had almost killed herself once.

A few days later, came Maverick's birthday party. Ashlyn woke up early, got the nurse's help to shower and get dressed in one of her most favourite shirts, and slowly and painfully descended down the stairs also with the nurse's help. Once she had eaten and made sure she was all ready, she was on her way to Ali's in a taxi for wheelchairs, ready to help out for the big party. In the house, it was already chaotic. There were bags and bags of stuff to bring to the Adventure Playground where the party would be, bags full of food, then presents, decorations, and even spare clothes just in case the twins didn't make it to the bathroom -they were excellently potty trained, but sometimes when they were having too much fun, they forgot they had to pee until it was too late- or anybody slip with the mud and became all dirty.

“This is a list of all the people who are allergic to something,” Ali, ever organized, sat Ashlyn and her boyfriend Hamish down with a mountain of papers. “Every name has their photo next and the number of the nearest hospital, along with possible symptoms of an allergic reaction and first-aid action guidance. Now, nobody should get sick because I was very careful with the food, but in case anything gets cross-contaminated or whatever and they do appear sick, this is your check-list, you call the emergency number, then find the person on your list and perform whichever first aid care you can.”

Ashlyn and Hamish didn't agree on that many things, and Ashlyn disliked him on principle, but at that moment they both exchanged an amazed expression.

“Baby this is incredible,” he managed to say, full of admiration. Ali grinned smugly.

“I know, I'm such a great mother and party host, which is why we always have the kids wanting to come to our children's parties. Now Ashlyn, I'm sorry you can't climb around the stuff with the children like you like to, but I was thinking since there's nothing you can do about it, could you maybe just make sure everything is in order around the tables and nobody noses in the bags? I don't want any presents stolen, or cake ruined by someone's finger, and all the adults will be having to run around to supervise the kids.”

“No problem,” Ashlyn nodded. “Anything I can do, will do.”

“Also if you can keep close eyes on the twins, that would be fantastic, because you know how Maverick likes to run everywhere, so I'll be breathless going after, and the twins can only be in the toddlers' area, which, you know, it's not dangerous in the slightest, but they should still not be unsupervised.”

“Gotcha, I'll be glued to their tiny asses all day long.”

Ali smiled and nodded, grateful.

“And what should I do baby? Aside from the list?” asked Hamish.

“Well there are these big towers with giant slides, and some kids like to try and climb to the roof, which is insanely dangerous, so if you could just stick to it and make sure they don't, other parents will be around but just in case, you know. And also, helping kids in and out of toilets. Everyone is self-sufficient but needs supervision, and you should never be in a room with a semi naked kiddo that's not ours, but you know, just guide them to where their parents are or where the toilets are and help when they ask for it.”

Hamish frowned slightly in concentration, but nodded.

“Here comes the birthday princess!” Ashlyn proclaimed seeing the birthday girl appear in the kitchen, all sleepy in her pyjamas. The twins were still in bed, as per usual.

“Happy birthday love!” Ali grinned from ear to ear, picking her sleepy angel up in her arms and peppering kisses all around her.

“Happy birthday Maeve-boo! Did you sleep well sunshine?” Hamish was quick to offer, grinning and standing up to hand Maverick her morning juice, that she sipped sleepily from her mother's embrace before smiling tiredly.

“Thank you, yes I did,” Maverick then caught sight of Ashlyn, who she hadn't heard, and grinned. “Mama! You came!”

“I told you I would! Happy birthday princess!” Ashlyn cheered, arms up, and Maverick giggled, motioning for her mother to put her down on her other mother's arms so she could be kissed properly. “And good morning.”

“I love you Mama,” she said nuzzling into Ashlyn's neck like she did as a sleepy baby.

“I love you too my first born. So freaking loads.” Ashlyn kissed her head soundly.

“So, how does it feel to be six uh?” Ali beamed, squatting by them and caressing the little girl's back, taking her glass carefully before it'd spill on Ashlyn's nice shirt. Maverick was always so sleepy in the mornings, so slow to get into action, like Ashlyn.

“I'm bigger,” Maverick mumbled into her neck.

“You're bigger? Did you check on the wall?” They had a wall's height.

“Nope, but I know.”

Ashlyn snorted a laugh and Ali sniggered, so they looked at each other in amusement.

“She just knows.” Ashlyn nodded.

“She totally knows,” Ali agreed. “Very well young lady, now have some birthday breakfast and we'll get ready for the party! Hamish darling would you wake up the boys? We should get going with breakfast...”

They hurried with the morning routines, and at last everyone was set and ready to go to the party. Adventure Playground was something Ashlyn had casually discovered once, when she was out walking the dogs. She had taken Ali there on a date and they had loved it; there were huge tunnel-like slides spiralling down from tall wooden towers, zip-lines, climbing areas, huge trees, picnic tables, a balls' pool, soft play areas, elastic beds, a giant net tower, and a modern playground indoor area with tunnels and all sorts of things for the children to get lost in there, one for little children under 5, and another for 5-20, although adults of all ages were allowed when it wasn't crowded with kids, as they did fit, it was just considered that they slowed it for the children, with their big sizes. Adventure Playground was booked for parties, but it was also open for public when it wasn't booked, and adults were admitted too, so Ashlyn had once taken Ali there on a date, found a hidden corner in the indoor play area, and discreetly made love to her right there and then. The fact that now their children played there, and that they weren't probably the only ones who had sexed-up the children area, surprisingly didn't disturb their minds.

  
  


  
  



	6. Being 6

**Chapter 6: Being 6.**

Ashlyn didn't really know her children's friends and their families. Some, yes, because they had been the same since nursery school, but most of them were now completely new, from kindergarten, the neighbourhood, friends of friends, etc. All of their children had been in nursery for about four hours a day from age 2 to 4, (and also younger in certain days where they needed to leave them somewhere to work), then they had put them in kindergarten for whole mornings until they were 6 and went to Primary. Maverick had therefore just finished kindergarten for good and was about to start school, while the twins had only just finished nursery and would start kindergarten, slowly getting used to being more and more time out of the house and with their teachers. Each parent just did things their own way and, for them, this had been the most comfortable way and the one they had found worked better. They had them for the first two years to enjoy all the very first milestones, then had someone take them just a few hours a day to start interacting with strangers and also get the kids and the mothers time to slowly get used to being separated, then progressed to a kindergarten where they even learned Spanish, between a thrillion things, and soon they'd be in the 'real school' learning books and big things.

So now it was Ashlyn's opportunity to get to know the parents of the kids Maverick would probably have as classmates the next week, when the school year officially began. Some schools had already started a couple years ago, but in theirs the first year of primary started a bit later, and also it was the same most of the kids in their area would go to, hence most of Maverick's friends.

“So you're a soldier, correct?” another divorced mother said full of interest leaning towards Ashlyn as they sat around a tip of one of the picnic tables. The children were running around everywhere and Ashlyn had one eye on their bags with stuff and another on her twins currently in the slides with her cousin's wife, Brittany, and her little daughter.

“I was,” Ashlyn nodded, eyes fixed on her boys. “Just been invalidated out. Sorry, I just want to make sure the boys are okay...” she added, justifying her distraction.

“Oh it's okay,” the blonde smiled charmingly. “My Lily is actually up there with Maverick and Ali, so I don't worry much... so poor thing, you got really hurt I see! I hope you'll be fine soon.”

“Yeah, I'll be throwing Maeve up and down by Christmas, thank you,” Ashlyn smiled small.

“The kids must be so excited, Ali said they always asked where you were. Well and you too! How long have you been gone?”

“Several times actually, about three years in total. First, since October 2020 to April 2021, and from June 2021 to August 2021,” Ashlyn concentrated to remember, her concussion making things a bit harder. But on August 2021 she had arrived for Maverick's fourth birthday and found out about the affair, so she remembered that one good. “Then Ali and I started the divorce procedures and right when we finished, I think it must've been November... I left again. I returned in March, threw the boys a cool third birthday party,” she added with a smile, and the other woman chuckled, “then had to leave again, until New Year's Eve, which I could spend with the kids, thankfully. But it only lasted a couple weeks before I was off again... and until now. I've been back for three weeks or so, well, actually five, but the first two I was in Germany in the hospital, that kind of stuff.”

“Oh, interesting... so where were you fighting?”

Ashlyn turned to give the woman more attention and there she realized. The woman was fully flirting with her and for some reason, it made her uncomfortable. Sure she had had meaningless sex with random women after Ali, but this one was the mother of one of her daughter's friends.

“I'm sorry,” Ashlyn excused herself, tucking the bags more behind a big tree to protect them from the running children, “I should see how my sons are doing... It was great meeting you, uh—,”

“Sarah,” she smiled, blinking long eyelashes. “The pleasure was all mine.”

Ashlyn reached Brittany Habovick right on time. Her daughter was the boys' age, and her son, a year over Maverick's, so she was with the little girl and her husband Corey, one of Ashlyn's closest cousins, with their son.

“You know to me,” Brittany turned to her full of amusement, “that looked like she wanted to get into your pants.”

“Oh God...” Ashlyn grimaced. “I hope Ali hasn't seen anything.”

“What? I hope she's seen it all!” Brittany laughed. Her voice carried over the loudness of the loud children running and screaming everywhere, filled with joy. “Maybe then she'll see what she's letting escape...”

“I filed for divorce, and I cited irreconcilable differences, you know what that means?” said Ashlyn with a hint of amusement.

“It means, 'I'm pissed off I caught my wife bouncing on some dick on my bed',” Brittany said with a smirk. They were ready to laugh about it now, and Ashlyn snorted a laugh.

“Exactly. And I'm further more pissed off she not only didn't break-up with him, but now my children are calling him Daddy.”

“Oh dear,” Brittany patted her shoulder affectionately as they watched the kids play. “Didn't hear it today, though.”

“I spoke with Ali, it shouldn't happen again.”

“I'm surprised she was so understanding.”

“Yeah we... we've been talking now. Trying to build a bridge.”

“That's good. You've got three kids, you have to stay nice.”

“What are you talking about ladies?” Ashlyn and Ali's good old friend, soccer player Sydney Leroux, had arrived following her son, who wanted to play with the twins.

“Ash and Ali are talking,” Brittany explained.

“Oh, good news.”

“Right?”

“Last I saw them they were bickering again, I'd believe it when I see it,” Christopher had unexpectedly arrived. “You should see Maverick, she's making Dad seem 18 again.”

“Ugh, I wish, but Ali put me in twins' duty. Can't really climb around after Maverick.”

“ASH!” Ali's scream came from the top of one of the towers. “LET'S DO THE CAKE NOW!”

“NOTED!” Ashlyn chuckled. “Healthy screaming for once...”

When it came time to blow the candles, Maverick insisted on climbing on Ashlyn's lap. Her ankle had pretty much healed up already, as it was only twisted and it had rested and done rehabilitation for five weeks now, but her femur was still not too good and hurt like a bitch, so Ashlyn carefully set her daughter on her other thigh.

“Did you make sure to ask for a good wish?” Ashlyn whispered in her ear while Ali cut the cake. Maverick nodded.

“But I can't tell you or it won't happen.”

Ashlyn smiled warmly.

“It's okay, I'm sure it's something awesome.”

A few hours later, some parents and kids had already left, as the kids quickly got worn out, and it became more a family and close friends' event. So the four grandparents and their second partners sat with their kids to eat more calmly on one of the picnic tables, and the children began being called over to either sit for a bit or play closer where they could see. The Adventure Playground park wasn't so big, it was mostly a soft hill surrounded by high walls and fences and completely locked and safe, with a small building in the middle for the indoor activities, toilets and owner's office. Hence, it was okay to leave the kids a little, there was nowhere they could go to, and nobody could come in and take them. They mostly watched out for them in case of falls.

“Oh, I'm knackered,” Hamish smiled joining them at the table. “Maverick runs so fast for someone who hates running.”

“Speaking of,” Ashlyn stopped midway her task of cutting one of her son's lunch sandwich and looked behind him, “you were supposed to bring her over to sit for a bit? She just ate a bunch of cake, she'll be throwing up if she doesn't sit a bit.”

“All right, I'll get her. She's just in the zip lines.” Hamish got back up.

“Ah, in the tiny ones? I thought she was bored of those,” Ali commented, busy with their other son. There were some tiny zip lines were the kids could play unsupervised, that had mattresses on the floor and were basically swings, not big. And then there was a huge one that was for grown-ups or supervised children, and that it was Maverick's favourite, as she was starting to find the others boring. The others only went from one wooden platform to another five metres away, and weren't more than a metre high, but the big one had twenty metres of length, and went by one side of the park forming a thrilling slight curve, four metres over ground.

“No,” Hamish frowned. “The biggie one? I offered some help but she said she could tackle it on her own. Anyway, I'll fetch—,” then he caught Ashlyn and Ali's panicked expressions, and Ali put her son down and ran towards the zip-line. “What...?”

“If my daughter breaks a single bone because you have no fucking clue about childcare,” Ashlyn said glaring fiercely at him. “I'll break you two.”

Kyle stood up.

“I better go help. Well done mate,” Kyle said sarcastically, running eyes before running after his sister.

“I don't understand, what's the problem? She goes alone on the zip-lines constantly?” Hamish asked, frowning.

“In the tiny ones, you jerk!” Ashlyn shouted, losing her patience and chill as she couldn't help but imagine her daughter crying on the ground with a broken arm. “Not in the big one!”

“But she said—,”

“Because she's six and she doesn't know what's best for her, which is why she doesn't live alone!” Ashlyn bit him off.

“Honey,” Ashlyn's mother patted her arm gently and used her head to point at the other kids, including the twins, who were now looking scared.

“Sorry,” Ashlyn took a deep breath to calm herself. She wouldn't have snapped so easily before, when she was a happy, fulfilled woman and her mental health was in check. “Sorry, I didn't mean to snap so easily...”

Ali and Kyle arrived back at last, with Ali holding a sobbing Maverick and looking sternly at her boyfriend.

“I'm so, so sorry, I didn't realize... what happened, is she all right?” Hamish asked full of worry and guilt, going over.

“She will be,” said Kyle, taking his niece to Ashlyn, who set her son to play and wrapped her arms around her, holding her tight to comfort her. Ali looked too livid to speak. She was also one to imagine the worst possible outcome and continue to be upset with the idea, long after it hadn't happened. “The zip-line caught a lot of speed and force, so when it bounced back in the mattress wall in the end it did so with such force, that instead of getting off on the platform, Maverick was catapulted straight onto the ground. Luckily, she fell on a mountain of leaves and it softened the blow.”

“Oh my poor baby, are you okay?” Ashlyn kissed her daughter's forehead. “Where does it hurt darling? Mama will kiss it better.”

“Here,” Maverick pointed to her head and Ashlyn kissed it. She was already calming down a lot, as she was often fast to stop crying, but really screamed at the top of the lungs in the moment, normally out of the scare for the most part. The boys, whoever, were true tragic criers, often hard to calm down.

“Nothing broken, luckily,” Ali murmured under her breath, shaking her head and sitting with her ex-wife and children. “Just tell us if anything hurts very badly, okay sweetie? And we'll take you to the doctor.”

“Poor thing, getting hurt on your birthday...” Ken Krieger sighed. “Next time you need to get one of us there with you, okay love? So we can catch you.”

“Yes, absolutely. No more going solo there, Maeve, that zip-line is for the grown-ups.” Ashlyn gently chastised.

“But I just grew up, I thought I could do it...” the little girl murmured tearfully.

“When you are twelve, then maybe,” Ali specified. “Certainly not sooner sweetie. Did you see what could happen? You could've gotten badly hurt, like Mama did, and then no more zip-line for you in months.”

“I know, I'm sorry...”

“Me too,” Hamish looked worried. “I really do apologize, I shouldn't have left her alone.”

“Damn right you shouldn't,” Ashlyn had bitten her tongue to not say it, but to her surprise, Ali harshly spoke her thoughts. Their families tried hard not to meddle, choosing instead to eat and care for the other kids. “Would you have left a five year old alone there, uh?”

“Well, no—,”

“Okay so, please enlighten me,” Ali said dryly, “what kind of magic happened to my child today that led you to think she's suddenly ready? She may be six Hamish, but from yesterday to now she's the same kid who needs a responsible adult to watch over.”

“I'm not her father Ali, as you made very clear to me just days ago,” Hamish started to fight back, apparently pulling some grudges. “I've only lived with her six months, I didn't know the rules in the zip-lines.”

“What rules?! You mean you don't have common sense?! Cause that's all you need!” Ali finally snapped, glaring fiercely at him. For once, Ashlyn was glad not to be in the receiving end of those tiger eyes. The twins and Maverick quietly slipped away and into more relaxed play in the little slides nearby, feeling the bad energy flowing.

Hamish was now scowling at Ali.

“If you're so disappointed on my abilities, then where were you or Ashlyn? Don't you think she is _your_ bigger responsibility? I didn't have her, I'm just helping out.”

 _And you're fucked_. Ashlyn said in her mind. About at the same time, a sound slap vibrated and when she looked, Hamish's cheek was red and he looked appalled, and Ali's hand was still in the air and she seemed ready to explode.

“All right,” Ashlyn took mercy, mostly because she didn't want to make an spectacle on her daughter's birthday with all the family there. “Let's all calm down, all right? Maverick is okay, no need to keep thinking about it, and Ali, the kids are in front, let's not lose it, shall we?” she said calmly. “Hamish buddy, why don't you go ahead and bring the cake we haven't eaten back home? It'll melt if we keep it out here, and Ali may need some time to cool down.”

Hamish clenched his jaw but nodded, standing up. He murmured some farewell, grabbed the stuff and left, and Ali released a long sigh.

“Bit hard on him, don't you think honey?” Debbie intervened softly. “He made a reasonable, unintentional mistake...”

“I totally would've slapped him, but only for that last comment,” Kyle argued, and Ali rolled eyes with a sly smile.

“Yeah but Ashlyn's right, the kids are here. I'll check on Maverick again...” Ali got up and with a loud puff, walked over to their daughter.

They stayed there for a couple hours more, and at last, when it was looking cloudy and all the children were sleepy, they decided to go home. Ashlyn's side of the family had a long drive back to Satellite Beach ahead, so they were the first ones to go, and Debbie and Mike decided that since Ali had Ken and Kyle, who had come from afar and hence were staying for a few days, to help her out with the kids, aside from Ashlyn, they could return to Miami, where Debbie had already begun classes and had to be up early the next day. Ken was a teacher too and technically had classes the next day, but had asked for the week off that week so he could be with the children while he was supposedly home, ill.

“I can stay for a while if you need any help,” said Ashlyn, although visibly worn out, once they were back at the house. Hamish wasn't home, and Ken was giving the three kiddos a bath with Kyle's help before dinner time. So the two women were alone in the living room, sorting out all of Maverick's birthday gifts.

“Thanks Ash,” Ali smiled small, but shook her head. “It's fine, with the boys bathing them, I can sort out dinner and perhaps work on some game strategies for Sunday once the kids go to bed... but if you want to stay for dinner and kiss the kids goodnight or read them a bedtime story, that's great too.”

“It would be nice,” Ashlyn admitted, “but I'm really knackered, these meds make me so sleepy...” Ali gave her an understanding, tired smile. “Tell them I'll pass by tomorrow, okay? Maybe Maverick and I can make good use of her new gloves.” She waved the brand new Umbro gloves she had gotten their daughter, along with a brand new pair of cleats, and a soccer videogame she had asked for since Christmas and that Ali and her had agreed on buying her on the condition that she'd only play two hours a day tops, never after dinner and never on Sundays, which were family days devoted to doing stuff all together outside under the sun.

“Okay, she'll be happy with that,” Ali nodded. “She's okay right? We won't have to drive her to the hospital in the middle of the night?”

“I checked her properly the minute we got here and all she had was the slightest bump on the head and a little bruise on her back, no signs of concussion, so she'll be just fine. And if she feels awful tomorrow, then we'll make sure she gets a good doctor's appointment, but I'm sure she's okay.”

“Right,” Ali sighed, tired. “I'm sorry I snapped in front of the kids, it's just, we know how dangerous concussions can be and Hamish is just so thoughtless sometimes it drives me in—,”

“I would've slapped him too, but I have to dislike him on principle, he's sleeping with my children's mother,” Ashlyn side smiled jokingly, making her snort a laugh, and put her healthy hand on her shoulder gently, changing her expression for one of concern. “That said I know you, and the woman I married was an expert in diplomacy, conciliation and conflict-avoidance, so what's going on? You okay?”

Ali sighed and shrugged, looking at her like a tired, lost puppy. They had no idea who started it, but next thing they knew Ali's head was on Ashlyn's good shoulder as the former goalkeeper rubbed soothing circles on her back and kissed her forehead.

“I'm just so tired,” whispered Ali. “So stressed.”

Aside from being a mother, Ali was the Orlando Pride's Head Coach, MSL and USWNT's now-and-then game commentator, founder and Coach of the Ali Krieger Football Camp, Bumble & Bumble ambassador, and very occasionally, a photography model for fashion brands. On top of that, now and then she was invited to speak or appear at events, sports' conferences, or give talks in schools, aside from doing the occasional interview and appearances on shows, so she was always all over the place doing one thing or another, while still impressing everybody by managing to be a bad-ass mother who always knew by heart where her children were and what they were probably doing at each hour of any given day, no matter where she was.

“You work so hard, maybe you need a holiday.”

“Can't, not until the season is over in October,” it had been a World Cup year, which meant this year and the next the NWSL wouldn't end until mid October, while it usually ended in mid or late September. And now it started over a month earlier than usual too, because it had grown to have twenty-five different teams. Competition was harder than it ever was.

“Tell you what, when it ends, you take Hamish for a couple weeks somewhere like Hawaii or something, and I'll do something fun with out little beasts.”

Ali smiled small at the suggestion.

“Yeah, that could be nice. Ash...” Ali separated, looking at her intently for a moment. “Thanks for, you know... all you've been doing, sticking around and all.”

“You were right,” Ashlyn shrugged with her good shoulder, “I shouldn't settle with being anything less than the best I can be. That's how we do things in this family, after all.”

The former defended nodded, smiling openly.

“That's how we do things in this family.”

After Ashlyn left, Ali continued with the evening's routine and at last, after everyone went to bed and having profusely kissed each kid goodnight, checked closets for monsters and read bed-time stories, she had made a firm decision. She closed all the doors to keep sound from travelling around, let the dogs with the children, and poured herself a glass of wine while sitting around the small kitchen table meditating the pros and cons, the level of pain her decision caused her, and why it was important to still make it, despite what she had told Ashlyn, and somehow managed to stay awake until at last, Hamish arrived, past midnight and evidently a little tipsy.

“Hi,” he said, entering the kitchen and looking surprised to see her, “I thought you'd be in bed by now.”

“So I wouldn't see you're tipsy?” she added coldly. Hamish was of Scottish descendant, and when he drank more than a couple beers and perhaps half a whiskey, he got all red.

Hamish looked at her through deep blue eyes and straightened, frowning.

“Look, I'm sorry I fucked up with Maverick, I'm sorry I offended you, but that fight? That was a discussion for us to have privately at home, not something you can go and do to me in front of everyone, it was humiliating Ali. Besides, I know you don't think I'm father material, but I still know we gave a terrible example to the children today.”

Ali pursed her lips in thought and nodded slowly.

“You're right, I'm sorry. We weren't a good example, I've already apologized to them.”

“Good. Tomorrow I'll check on Maverick again and I'll talk with her about the Adventure Playground rules once more to remind her that if you don't allow her something, she can't go and try her luck with me then to get away. If you say no big zip-line alone, then it's a no, right?”

“That'd be nice, but...” Ali patted the seat next to her in the oval table. “Can you just sit with me for a moment? I want to talk with you if you're okay.”

“Sure, I'm fine,” Hamish smiled small and sat with her, leaning to kiss her forehead. “I love you baby. I'll make an effort and do better, okay? I just want to be good for them.”

“I know,” Ali smiled sadly, squeezing his hand over the table. “And you're so good to them, Hamish, anyone can see. You care, you love them, you respect them, and if you didn't take such good care of them most of the time, I wouldn't trust you alone with them as often as I do. I know Ash or myself should've been with her today, but I want you to know the only reason why we weren't was because we believe in your skills with Maverick. Even Ashlyn does, she only dislikes you because she hasn't forgotten what she saw when she caught us that day. She's really injured, she may look great because she's spent her whole life working the art of resisting pain and putting a good face, but she should've been in hospital a week more, and she should be in bed, and instead she's here making an effort because she knows it's her duty, so I needed you today to still try and take some effort off her shoulders... otherwise you know she'd be running around with Maverick all day long, they're both as restless when it comes to sports.”

“I know, and I'm happy to run around all it takes Ali. I know you changed your mind about me being called their father, I know you're not sure about marrying me, but I do want to be a good fatherly presence for them, I am happy doing whatever they like to do, I love them.”

Ali nodded, caressing his hand tenderly over the table.

“You don't know how much that means to me.”

“Well I love you. I want to do whatever makes you happy, I want to be your forever,” to his surprise, her eyes were suddenly full of tears and she looked about to cry. “Baby, don't cry, silly,” he mocked jokingly, caressing her cheek, “it's all good!”

“I'm actually sad,” Ali clarified, holding back a sob and letting a tear far freely. Hamish frowned and then realization crossed his face.

“You're breaking up with me,” he stated. She sniffled and nodded, rubbing her eyes impatiently. “Why? Just because of Maverick? Because I swear I can do better Ali, just give me a chance... baby we've been at this for two years, I only moved here a few months ago, this is my home, with you, with them... I've got nowhere else to go. I don't want to go. You're my family.” His eyes filled with tears as well. “Please don't do this...”

Ali took a deep breath to collect herself and held his hands in hers, facing him with her full body.

“I do love you. I had to think about our wedding not because of you, but because of myself. Because I needed to be sure of it, I didn't want to keep marrying and divorcing the rest of my life. I had Ashlyn, I thought we'd be forever, I was hundred percent sure... I don't want to put our children through more suffering like that,” Ali clarified, her voice hoarse with emotion. “And I'm not angry with you, what happened today, that's okay. Hell, I dropped Maverick one time when she was one, I thought I had broken her and Ashlyn got such a scare she couldn't talk to me for a whole day, parenthood is just... trial and error baby. One day you'll have your own kids and you'll see, I just got furious because I was scared, that's all. And I need you to really understand the reason I backed off wanting for the kids to call you Dad really is what we told them, it's not that there's nothing wrong with you, is that Ashlyn and I, we're trying to work on something here, she's forever part of the package being their mother too, and if she's not ready for our kids to do that kind of thing, I have to respect it, okay? I chose you, not her, and she's gulped enough as it is, I have to concede on something too. But I do think you deserve to be called a Dad.”

“Then why? Why break all we've built?”

“Baby because look on what we've built it,” Ali sighed, looking heartbroken. “I cheated on my wife. On her bed. In her home. And as much as I've excused it over the years, it is inexcusable. It goes against everything I am, it goes against everything I want our children to be, and it goes against every promise and vow I ever did to that woman, and she's been far too kind not publicly trashing me because if I were me? I would've said it when the interviews came. I would've tried and punch back as hard as possible, and she just turned and left me to live my life however I wanted.”

“But Ali, we can't do anything about that anymore. Yes I wish I had been able to say no and not get carried away, but we did it because we felt how special it was what we had... and then by staying together we proved the world it wasn't some meaningless, stupid mistake, that we didn't ruin your marriage completely for nothing, that this was actually important.”

“I know, I know,” Ali nodded. “And yet I don't feel good about it. I don't feel good having a happily ever after with you with the same person I broke my wife's heart with. I don't feel good asking her to respect you, to be nice, to allow you to be her children's father, to gulp and gulp and forget what she saw and heard, when if things had been the other way around, I would've gotten quite physical with the both of you.”

“So now what? You're just going to... break things off? So she's not offended anymore? Because I don't think she's going to just be okay all of the sudden...”

“No she won't be. And no, I'm not just going to break things off to appease her... I'm going to do it because part of the reason my marriage went down, a big part of it, was because I made a bunch of mistakes, put my wife through enormous suffering, and wasn't present at home. I don't care what mistakes she made, I have to correct mine, take responsibility for them, and hold myself accountable. And I feel like...” Ali took a deep breath, rubbing the final tears off her eyes. “I feel like what I should be doing is not plan my wedding to someone else while my children's Mama and the best friend I've ever had is struggling just to not go and kill herself any given day.”

“What do you mean? You want to... reconcile with her? Remarry or something?”

“It's not about that, it's just... I want to focus on my family. I owe it to them to pull my family back together whatever it takes, and a big part of that is focusing on my mentally ill and physically disabled ex, making sure she gets her life back, making sure she is completely fine and that she has me, with no second partners around, that if she needs me she can always drop by without fearing to be interfering with us or anything, and my kids need to see their mothers look after one another, you know? I have you, but Ash has no one else, I'm her person and she still needs me.”

“What about her family and friends?”

“I'm her family,” Ali smiled small. “The others... they're great if they're the only option, but when she's this rock bottom? It's a miracle she talks to me about it, let alone them. She hates worrying people. So I'm going to let you go and... take care of my people. Perhaps even back off from work for a bit.”

Ali and Hamish talked for a further hour. They discussed Hamish could of course wait for tomorrow to move out, she would help him, they'd talk with the kids in the morning, and he could visit now and then, they'd be friends. But they'd stay apart for a while to cool feelings down and help each other move on.

  
  



	7. Us first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,  
> I am updating some stories now, I'll slowly update more and more the next few days. I'm very sorry for the delay, I've just been writing stuff, relaxing, reconnecting with my mother as I didn't live in my hometown since last Autumn, and well, with myself.  
> So first things first, thanks everyone for all your comments and support, always. I think I've responded all comments and also I've been talking with some of you in my Tumblr Jantebellum, which has been really nice so if you've never left a comment or chatted with me in Tumblr come say hi, I don't bite :) also I wanted to invite you all to read this post I wrote https://jantebellum.tumblr.com/post/616297711696822272/my-take-on-ao3-and-fanfics it's a bit long but in it I'm talking about my writing process with fanfics, about my beliefs in fanfiction and about Archive of our Own, so you might find it interesting. And I know you're shy and I'm shy but PLEASE hit me up with any sort of conversation. Now that we're all so isolated, I really want to reach out to all of you, make sure you're all doing okay, bring my support and encouragement to you and hey, it's going to be okay, uh? This is just those dramatic ten chapters I always write but remember, the story always ends okay, even when you think there's no way. And if you feel lonely or anything, I'm here.  
> Much love everyone.  
> J.

**Chapter 7: Us first.**

The next day, Ali texted Ashlyn to not come because she had to do some stuff for work and the kids were having a day with their Grandpa and Kyle, and that she would visit Ashlyn later for dinner so they could catch up if that was all right. Ashlyn replied with enthusiasm, and Ali went on to help Hamish pack his things. He'd be going to stay with his sister until he found his own place, and Ali, who paid for over 60% of the house's expenses with her great income, convinced him to accept all the money he had put into the house for the month of August, that she could provide quickly and so it would be slightly easier to move on economically for the next few days at least.

Both were in a sombre, sad mood, and Ali knew the children would not be happy. They adored Hamish. The twins remembered more life with him than with Ashlyn.

“Could you and Kyle go have breakfast outside so I can deal with them?” Ali pleaded her Dad speaking in murmurs in the kitchen as she broke the news to him. “I'm so sorry I did while you were here, but...”

“It's okay love. Your brother and I are here to help you, you do what you need to do and we'll disappear for as long as you need.”

“Thank you Dad...”

“I think I finished,” Hamish appeared, eyes red from having been crying all morning in a silent, quiet way, and voice hoarse. “It's all in my car... I left some boxes in the attic of winter stuff I can pick up in a couple weeks if that's okay.”

“Of course hun,” Ali hated to make everyone suffer, and she was suffering too, but she kept telling herself Ashlyn was worth it. There was no sacrifice Ashlyn hadn't done for them. This was the very least she could do. “You can leave behind whatever you don't feel like sorting right now, and I'll make sure to drop it by your sister's or talk to her to organize it between us, all right? It's fine.” Ali walked to him and hugged him tight.

“I'm sorry, I didn't want to be crying in front of the kids, is just... I miss them already,” Hamish murmured, hugging her back. “Can I just... see them in the weekends maybe? I'd love to hear about Maeve's first school day.”

“Maybe just... give us a week, okay? Then we'll sort something out,” Ali promised, hurting for him.

“Okay,” he rubbed his eyes and separated. “I really do love you...”

“I'm so sorry,” Ali said sincerely. “I'm so, so sorry. You don't deserve this crap, it's all my fault...”

“It's okay,” Hamish sniffled loudly and managed a tearful smile. “Hey, I'd do it all again. You guys are worth it, it was so, so good while it lasted. We were happy, right?”

“Yeah. Who knows...” Ali shrugged. “Maybe we'll find each other again when the timing is right. Thank you for everything, you don't know how much you've done for us.”

“Only about half of what you've done for me,” he kissed her cheek.

Right then, the kids and Kyle arrived, everyone sleepy save for Kyle, who already knew what was going on and looked tense, not wanting the kids to suffer.

“Well, Uncle Kyle and I are going out for a bit,” Ken said, kissing his grandchildren good morning. “We'll bring ice-cream on our way back!”

“Yay!” both twins said excitedly. But Maverick had caught Ali and Hamish's looks and once the other men left and the twins busied themselves with cereal, she didn't waste a moment.

“What's going on?”

“Sweetie just eat some, okay?” Ali tried to convince her.

“Yeah, I'm fine,” Hamish kissed the top of the little girl's head. “Come on, we gave you the sharks bowl, it's your favourite!” he really tried to smile.

“Daddy why are you so sad?” Maverick worried. She knew her Mum and Mama had told her calling him Daddy was actually something they didn't quite like, but in the moment she didn't care. She knew Hamish loved it. The man smiled sadly and shook his head.

“It's just allergies honey.”

“Bullshit.”

“Maverick!” Ali's eyes widened. “We don't say those words here!”

“But Mama does sometimes.”

“Mama is a grown-up adult and grown-up adults set their own rules. If you say something so ugly once more under this rooftop, I'll confiscate all your videogames for a month.”

“Just tell me what's wrong!” she started to become anxious, Ashlyn-like, and her eyes got glassy, not touching her breakfast. Ali sighed and nodded, sitting between her and the twins, who also stopped eating to listen, full of curiosity.

Ali's arms were around her children now.

“Honey, you know how sometimes people love each other so much that they live together, like we do, and yet sometimes... sometimes they separate and no longer live together?”

“Like Mama and you.”

“Yes. Well... I'm afraid it's going to happen again. Hamish and I—,”

“I have to move out of the city, because of work,” Hamish invented suddenly, and Ali looked surprised. “And I have decided that... it's best for everyone if your Mummy and I break our relationship off. That way your Mummy can love and be loved by someone who can actually be here, and I can focus on my career. I love you, and I will miss you all so much... but sometimes adults just have to put work first.”

“But why?” Maverick looked heartbroken. “You can't just leave us! I want you here!” she cried out.

“Hamish...” Ali tried, confused.

“They can't hate their only present parent. It'll be easier if they just hate me,” he murmured, leaning towards her ear. She frowned, but nodded, understanding as much as it pained her. “Maverick, love...” he took a deep breath to stay collected. “All you need to know is that I love you, Mummy, Raiden and Wyatt so, so very much. But you know how, despite all the good things you have, you wouldn't be so happy if you didn't have soccer, your toys, your friends?” the little one nodded. “Same happens to me. Most of my friends are not in this city. My career is not as good and satisfying as it could be. What I do for a living? It's not just to pay our expenses, is to be happy, and I want more. And I feel like... as much as I want to stay with you, if I do, I won't be 100% happy. But you shouldn't be sad, sweetie, okay? Because I'm going to be so, so happy, I'll be just fine, and you will have Mummy and Mama and your friends and family... and I'll still visit every now and then.”

“Promise you'll visit?” Maverick begged. “Because Mama just left and she didn't come back for a long time. You have to visit here... every week!”

Ali felt a knot in her throat and looked away, feeling guilt eating her away, and Hamish smiled sadly, nodding.

“Every week. I promise,” Hamish nodded. “We'll still play together, you will tell me all about school... I will stick around. The only thing that changes is that I won't live with you, and I won't be Mummy's boyfriend, just her friend.”

“Okay,” Maverick hugged him and started crying, and something about the sound of it told Ali she wasn't taking it as her Mummy's boyfriend moving to a different city and that was it. In her mind, someone always kept leaving her, and she was going to have to talk to Ashlyn about it.

“It'll be okay honey,” Ali rubbed her back up and down. “We've always managed, remember?”

“I don't wanna!” she shouted against his chest. Hamish frowned and gave her a gentle squeeze, and then the twins noticed something was up.

“You're leaving?” Wyatt moped, looking sad.

“He'll visit!” Ali hurried to say, fearing three meltdowns at once. She had hoped the boys' age would make it less painful to them. “Hamish will visit all the time, he's just... going to live somewhere else and we have to say goodbye to him now, okay? He has to go.”

“Come on, group hug!” Hamish declared, and they stood up to hug properly.

An hour later and with kids more relaxed but equally saddened, the five met in the entry door to bid Hamish goodbye officially.

“All right,” Hamish took a deep breath, all his stuff already in his car, and squatted to be at kids' eye level. “Well be good, okay?” he put a hand on one boy's shoulder and another on Maverick, who was still quietly sobbing. “Do everything Mummy and Mama say, do well in school, be good friends and good to each other. I promise to come around as often as I can and maybe sometimes I can bring some presents and all, uh? And we will play whatever you want. Come, kisses!”

The four hugged and kissed and then he stood up and looked at Ali, who smiled sadly, with glassy eyes.

“You be good too, uh?” Ali caressed his face. “Keep in touch.”

“Will do,” Hamish sighed sadly and kissed her, holding her tight. “You're doing the right thing. Just what my Ali would do, putting family before everything.” He added, cupping her face.

“I love you,” Ali kissed him once more. “I'm sorry.”

“Me too,” Hamish nodded, smiling sadly. “We had a lot of fun. Don't be sorry.”

“Say when you'll come!” Maverick demanded suddenly. “You have to say it and pinky promise or else it doesn't count!”

Hamish raised his eyebrows, surprised, but nodded, squatting and offering his pinky to her to shake pinkies.

“I'll be here next week, on Friday, for dinner. If that's okay with Mummy,” he added looking up, and Ali nodded.

“We'll have mac and cheese,” Ali promised. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Maverick nodded, conceding.

The four waved as Hamish got into the car, and stood there until the car disappeared. Then slowly the twins went back inside to play Legos or something, and Maverick looked up angrily at Ali.

“You always let them go! You never do anything!”

Maverick pushed her, although of course her strength barely made Ali move an inch, but was filled with rage and intention to harm, and ran up to her room, crying. Ali closed her eyes and entered the house, feeling heartbroken. It wasn't so much that Maverick had hit her but the fact that she had wanted to hurt her, that that's how in pain she was, how angry she was. And suddenly she realized she may have just made everything worse.

Hours later, Maverick had rejected lunch and her uncle and grandfather had alternatively gone up to talk to her and swore she was better, just angry at Ali. Hamish had tried not to have the three hate her, somehow knowing it'll happen, but Maverick was three when Ashlyn first left. It was her birthday. And now, a day after her fourth birthday, it happened again. Ali should've made the connection, but it was too late now, so she let the twins play away, and cried with the consolation of the adult men in her life. Everyone understood why she had done it, and that waiting would only make it hurt more when the time came, but she still felt terrible.

“Can you guys stay with them for the rest of the day?” Ali asked, worn-out, after lunch. “I want to go check on Ashlyn and take her out for dinner, we have some stuff to discuss... I'll probably return late.”

“Sure,” Kyle nodded, half-way through doing the dishes. “We'll take them to the park or something, see if Maverick cheers up.”

“Thank you,” Ali sighed, shaking her head. “She's so much like Ashlyn, wears her heart in her sleeve and I'm a good... how did Ash put it? German.”

Kyle snorted a laugh.

“German how?”

“Assuming I'm not being that harsh,” Ali side smiled. Ashlyn always said it as a teasing comment, back when they were married, not as an insult. “You know, brutally straightforward.”

“Ah,” Kyle sniggered. “Yeah, you're quite German. All Kriegers.”

By the time Ali made it to Ashlyn's, she was battered. She hadn't told her exactly when she'd be there, only an approximated time, so she hoped her ex-wife wouldn't be asleep. In any case, Ashlyn had said she'd leave Ali's copy of the keys sunk in a plant's pot by the window so Ali could just let herself in, as the nurse was only there for a few hours mornings and nights now and Ashlyn would rather not have to move. It was a silent invitation for her to earn her copy back.

Ali had only been in her ex-wife's single life house a small handful of times in her life. First, once when Ashlyn first returned from the Army after their divorce, because the children were going to stay with Ashlyn for a weekend and she was dropping them off, but she really didn't see much. The second time she visited was another time Ashlyn had returned from an Army deployment with an impressive gastroenteritis, and Ali had decided to be kind enough to drop by and leave some provisions, clean some, help her with whatever. That's when she first got to really look around, and she was impressed by how unlike Ashlyn the house was. It was true the former goalkeeper was hardly there, because Ashlyn knew from their common friends and from Ashlyn's family, with which she was still in close contact, that the woman tried to be out as much as possible, either entertaining herself around the streets, beach, travelling, or frequently, getting into another deployment as fast as the Army would allow. Still, it was weird that there were no photographs, aside from very few of their children and Ashlyn's family, no decorations, no paintings, almost no colour, just shades of white, black, greys and maroons. The house was simple, cold, small, and it seemed to lack being warm, homey or welcoming.

The brunette, however, still kinda liked it. What had been their home was still warm, welcoming, full of life and family smells (like different perfumes and food) even post divorce, in a big way thanks to the children, and yet Ashlyn's didn't depress her. On the contrary, it seemed like a break from everything that reminded her of how happy they had once been together, and it was at least full of curious objects from Ashlyn's missions, the only thing similar to decoration in the house.

She walked resolutely to the door and dug in the sand in the pot, seeing where it was stirred and quickly finding the keys and opening the door.

“Ali?” Ashlyn's voice came from inside.

“Yes!” Ali closed the door. There was a very little corridor with the stairs, that conveniently for Ashlyn's current condition broke in three sets, and a toilet, and the rest of the ground floor was just a small kitchen and the living-dining room.

The first professional portrait of the three kids, when Maverick was twenty months old and the twins newborns, was right on the corridor wall by the living room door, in front of the entry door, so Ali was suddenly face to face with her children, and smiled small. This evening wouldn't be suitable for them. Ali walked into the living room, hearing the TV be turned off, and half smiled sadly seeing Ashlyn slumped on the chaise-longue of her small sofa, with a blanket and a handful of pillows, in her boxers and a black tank top. Ali was for a moment distracted by the tattoos and the clear view of so much white cast everywhere, but then lifted a plastic bag with bottles of alcohol and food. Even with the plastic being white, Ashlyn saw the top of the bottles that came out and raised eyebrows, with a smirk.

“So it's that type of evening, uh? Come in,” Ashlyn motioned to the adjacent kitchen, that was all in the same room, as Ashlyn was a fan of the open-plan houses, and to the empty class on the coffee table in front of her.

“How many glasses have you had so far?” Ali questioned, walking in.

“Believe it or not, only one all day, so I'm ready and my usually well-stocked cabinet strangely only contains wine, which doesn't quite work the same. Tell me you got something stronger.”

“Scotch,” Ali took the bottle out, “and rum. You're a Scotch lady.”

“And you're a rum lady,” Ashlyn added with a small knowing smile. “Make yourself at home and then you can tell me what's the crisis and I hope for the benefit of that boyfriend of yours that all my kids are perfectly fine.”

“Well...” Ali grimaced, pouring two glasses, and Ashlyn's eyes widened and she sat straighter, with a wince.

“What? Is is Maverick's head? What happened?”

Ali almost laughed at Ashlyn's motherly worry. And to think that days before she had intended not to be a mother...

“They're physically perfectly fine, it's more mentally that I'm worried about,” Ali flopped next to her, took a long sip at the same time as Ashlyn's, and released a deep sigh. “I broke up with Hamish without realizing I was going to completely fuck Maverick's head up.” She then turned to look at Ashlyn, filled with guilt, and saw Ashlyn's hundred micro expressions pass by in an instant. A frown, a slight widening of the eyes, another frown, worry... some things never changed.

“What did he do?” asked Ashlyn eventually, and Ali felt flattered she automatically assumed Hamish was the bad guy.

“Should he have done something?”

“Well...” Ashlyn shrugged. “If what you had was worth cheating on me, and after two years, with him wanting to marry... I would've thought you'd end up in the altar. That he was the one, after all.”

“You were the one, don't be ridiculous,” Ali said automatically, and Ashlyn raised her eyebrows in surprise, wiggling her empty finger. “It doesn't matter we're divorced. The way I felt for you, what we had...” Ali shook her head. “Fine, my Mum found someone to love for the rest of her life after all, but what we had wasn't what my parents had. What we had was... it only happens once in a lifetime, and it only breaks with a proper storm like we had. We didn't break-up because I cheated, after all.”

“There you're right. So what happened?”

“I love him,” Ali looked down at her glass, held on her lap between her hands. “But it's the same reason why I couldn't marry him. Every night I go to bed, stay up for an hour just tossing around... and I keep feeling that the storm isn't over. That a divorce fixed nothing, perhaps on the contrary... Maverick is a mess I should've seen coming, we are a mess, the twins are Mr and Mr Oblivious God bless them... and I can't go and marry someone else and pretend all is good and happy and I get my happily ever after because what about my family? What about you and the kids? How could I ever pretend to just move on when my best friend ended up in freaking Middle East from all the pain and still needs to go there all the time just to stay alive when ironically, that might be how she dies? When my children... they just expect people to leave them?”

Ashlyn frowned and then seemed to put two and two in her head and her eyes widened.

“Alex... what happened to our baby girl when I left? And don't give me a lie because I swear to God...”

The day Maverick turned three, Ashlyn hadn't been living with them. Officially, they lived together and were happily married, but Ashlyn was gone with the Army. And then on the morning of her birthday, Ashlyn had suddenly appeared very early, prepared to quit the Army, feeling more recovered, more ready, with a beaming grin and a bag that only contained presents for everyone. Maverick had somehow heard her, remembering the way her steps sounded, and automatically ran downstairs to jump in her arms.

Eventually though, Ashlyn had left Maverick playing quietly in her room, thinking Ali was deep asleep, and prepared to surprise her wife with a bouquet of flowers and a box filled of all the love letters she had written to her during her deployment, and hadn't sent because where she was, the post service was horrible. Ali had been friends with Hamish for a while, and the night before he had visited while the kids were already in bed, declared his love, and they had ended up in her bedroom, but hadn't had sex. However that morning, they had finally started to do it, and when Ashlyn opened the door she found herself eye to eye with Ali, who had been on top of Hamish, impaling herself on his hardness while he massaged her breasts and kissed her back, on the middle of the bed. Ashlyn had full view of everything. The door wasn't locked, because Ali never locked it at night in case the children needed to get in bed, and she was so unused to it she had completely forgotten to do it the night before.

Ashlyn had dropped the gifts she had been carrying, paled, and turned around without another word, and Ali had almost died of a panic attack. It was very strange. Ashlyn put a smile on her face and went to play with the kids, and Ali sent Hamish home without the kids ever seeing him, showered, got decent, and when she came downstairs, the kitchen was full of noise with the children's enthusiasm with Ashlyn, and the smell of breakfast. Ashlyn hadn't said a word directly to her all day, unless it was because of the kids or to pretend in front of everyone, and they had had gone to Adventure Park and pretended to be super happy Ashlyn was back in front of their family and friends.

That night, Ali had attempted to talk things out after they put the children to bed, but Ashlyn had shut her down, picked her bags back up and left, without saying where, leaving her rings on top of their bedroom's chest of drawers. Ali had later learned Ashlyn had at some point written letters for the children, apologizing and explaining how much she loved them but how there were bad guys to fight and children to protect in the other side of the world and yada yada typical military justifications, and left them in their bedrooms for them. Ali had to read them for the kids in the morning, trying to hold herself together, and knowing there was one for her somewhere too. That one appeared in their wedding album a week later, and there Ali learned Ashlyn was completely decided on divorce. She had somehow expected a Bible of anger and sadness, typical outpouring of feelings from Ashlyn, and instead it was very short:

' _Dear Alexandra,_

_I will send divorce papers as soon as I can._

_Ashlyn._

_August 29_ _th_ _2020_ '.'

They hadn't spoken again for God knows how long, at Ashlyn's insistence of not communicating no matter Ali's attempts, and eventually Ashlyn had asked how had the children taken her leave, and Ali, still feeling so guilty, had decided Ashlyn deserved a pity lie, and said they had been really sad, but had understood.

That had been the accepted truth for years.

Until now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's anything in particular you'd like to read about, I always accept suggestions and petitions, by the way. I'm always writing, and ideas are always welcomed.


	8. Closer to me

**Chapter 8: Closer to me.**

Ali gulped and looked sadly at Ashlyn, whose worried frown seemed now permanent.

“She... she shouted she hated you. She cried. She banged doors and kicked stuff. The teddy bear you gave her when she was a baby didn't rip in the washing machine, she did it,” Ali confessed, seeing pain cross Ashlyn's face worse than all her physical wounds had done. “She got so depressed your Mum convinced me to take her to a child's therapist, and then she got better.”

It hurt to see the hurt in Ashlyn's face. The former goalkeeper seemed to struggle with her breathing for a second, and eventually she willed herself to sit up despite the pain, finish her half of glass in one sitting, and take a deep breath.

“Why did you lie to me? If I had known... I would've come back immediately. I was accepting letters from everybody but you and you knew, you could've told someone to tell me what was happening and I would've come back immediately. I was gone for eight months Alex...”

“Because you coming back wasn't going to fix it, Ashlyn. One day I had to tell her you were gone, a month later that I didn't know if you'd come back, then that we were divorcing and you'd never live with us again...” Ali looked heartbroken. “She hated us both, she didn't trust us, had you come back she would've shut the door on your face and shouted at you to go back to the Middle East, and I... I felt I was as responsible as you and then more for cheating, I felt the least I could do for you was at least take it myself and spare you the extra pain. I figured maybe I could solve it on time for whenever you decided to return and... I did. When you returned she was so excited and understanding about your subsequent leaves that it seemed like she had never been so bad.”

“Jesus Christ Ali...”

“Can we just not fight about it now? Because I swear it's the last thing I can deal with today.”

Ashlyn sighed and nodded, slumping back again carefully and looking at her.

“You have to tell me what's happening now. Everything.”

“Well... I somehow had a mental lapse and didn't realize that breaking up with Hamish the night of her birthday was repeating a patron... Hamish left the next morning. He talked to them, made things much nicer and neat, they still love him, he's having dinner with us in a few days and all but Maverick absolutely hates me. She says everybody leaves. She pushed me, Ash, with these eyes full of fury that I've never seen before, wanting to hurt me. She says it's my fault, that I can never... keep them home or something. You and Hamish. And she hasn't eaten all day and refuses to do anything but snuggle in bed and cry. She doesn't want me close, Dad and Kyle managed to talk some with her, but...” she shook her head, her eyes glassy. “I've really fucked up this time and I don't know how to fix it. Kyle and Dad are with her now.”

The colour had drained from Ashlyn's face and for a moment Ali thought she was going to hit her. Instead, she froze for a minute, taking in the information and trying to come up with a plan, and eventually, she grabbed Ali's glass, put it down, and pulled her in for a hug. Ali started to cry, and for a long time, they just stayed like that, consoling each other, or at least trying to. At last, Ashlyn grabbed the phone and ordered dinner. She was dying to see Maverick, but she knew right now she couldn't help.

“We're going to fix this,” Ashlyn promised Ali. “We fucked this together and we're going to fix it. Our family is going to be all right. Maverick won't even remember this shit, okay?”

“Okay...”

“Just tell me... was it important? To break up with him last night, was it absolutely necessary?”

Ali thought for a moment, and nodded.

“I did it so far because I wanted our family to go first as fast as possible. I wanted to start making things right and instead...”

“It's fine, it'll be fine...”

“No Ash you don't get it,” Ali grabbed a napkin to clean the tears off her face. “I knew the break up was inevitable, and the longer I waited the harder it'd be for everyone. When you were with us yesterday... that's when I knew. I knew it was my time to play my cards right and fight to make our family happy again like we used to be, even if we're divorced. That was my emergency, to make things right... I even... I emailed the Pride, I'm not going to coach them the rest of the year, nor have more AKFC camps the rest of the year, nor events... I really meant to be all in for our family.”

Ashlyn sighed and smiled sadly at her, shaking her head.

“Typical of you to want to help so badly you end up messing things up accidentally, uh?” Ali shrugged. “Come here,” Ashlyn kissed her cheek and hugged her with one arm, “we're the A Team. We'll fix this, you just trust me. You're not alone anymore, you shouldn't have been, ever. We're going to work like a team again, it was the only way we could ever work and we should've never changed strategy.”

“You're right.”

“And I'm coming back home. I'm moving back in, to the guest room.”

“What?” Ali's tone wasn't of indignation, but mere surprise, and they locked eyes, holding one hand. Ashlyn half smiled.

“There's no fucking way I'm leaving, that's my little girl we're talking about.”

“If you leave again, it'll kill her...”

“So I won't,” Ashlyn shrugged with her one available shoulder, and grinned at her, surprising her more and more. “You were right, I shouldn't give up so easily on things. I shouldn't settle with nothing less than who I am. And I am a soldier who fights for the stuff she cares about, I am a mother, and... I am your wife. And if I had done things right that day, I would've kicked Hamish off my bed with a broken nose, accepted your actions were consequence of our mistakes, that if I had had the decency to not abandon my family it wouldn't have happened, and taken us to couple's counselling instead of signing a divorce that wasn't going to fix anything. I love you. I love our children. I miss us. And I want us back, no matter what.”

Ali beamed, but still had to tease her.

“The guest room, uh?”

“It'll add some magic to our second first date. Besides, there's no fucking way I'm going back to the mattress where Hamish was. I'm burning it. And the bed. And we're going to couple's counselling.”

Ali couldn't smile bigger, eyes full of tears.

“Cause we're a couple?”

“Cause we damn right are a couple,” Ashlyn chuckled, and kissed her, trapping her lips between hers almost aggressively, but full of love.

They made out unhurriedly for a long moment, until Ali gently pulled out, putting a hand on her chest.

“We can't just get back together less than a day after Hamish. It'll drive the kids nuts.”

Ashlyn nodded, agreeing immediately.

“We'll take it slow, and it can be our little secret, uh? One date at a time.”

“Okay,” Ali smiled small and snuggled back against her, sighing deeply, emotionally drained but comforted with Ashlyn's presence.

Ashlyn kissed the top of her head, with her healthy arm around her, immersed in her thoughts. As much as she missed Ali, she knew things had to be painfully slow, like crawling snails.

“Do you love me?” Ashlyn couldn't help but ask after a long time in silence.

“Of course,” Ali didn't have to think about it.

“No, but I mean... do you love us both?”

“I love you both in different ways, and the way in which I love you... I told you, you're my one. The love of my life. There's nothing quite like that.”

“Then...” Ashlyn debated with herself. She really needed to talk about it, but she was afraid it wasn't the time for Ali and she'd get angry or upset. Ali seemed to detect her hesitation and prompted her.

“Then?”

“Well... I don't know Ali, God knows I'm not a saint and I make terrible mistakes continuously but... I can't imagine ever being able to cheat on you. Even trying to date other women after divorcing has been incredibly hard... so it always made me wonder how it was so easy for you. I haven't forgotten what I saw, Ali. I don't think I can.”

“Ash...”

“I don't mean... I don't think of the actual sex when I see that day again in my mind. I see how happy and relaxed you looked. Without regrets, without shame, just free like... like I haven't seen you much in many years, to be honest. I guess I never understood why you could have that with him and not with me. If, hadn't I found you, you would've ever told me, or left me for him, or had an affair... in some way it was easier to just leave myself, rather than see you decide to leave me for him.”

“Ashlyn I looked so relaxed because I was mid-way through a really good orgasm, partially because it was the first one in... I don't know, we weren't having sex even when you were home, it could've been ages. I'm sure I look just as relaxed having an orgasm during any other circumstances.”

“I guess...”

Ali sat up to relieve her from her weight and looked at her, seeing how troubled she looked. She knew cheating was a huge thing. What Ashlyn did was huge, but at least Ali didn't have to doubt her trust, her word, her loyalty. Ashlyn had left because her mental health was completely gone, and Ali could bet her soul Ashlyn had never, ever cheated on her or even thought about it. To Ashlyn, like it had been to Ali for years, the idea of cheating on a good thing was inconceivable, inexplicable, unjustifiable, completely crazy and nonsensical.

“Ashlyn I... I am not proud of what I did. I'm ashamed for it. I couldn't even look at the kids straight in the eye for weeks after from the shame of it... and Kyle wanted to have my throat for it, everybody did. But truth is, no one knew how lonely I was feeling. No one knew what it was like to be married to you and then suddenly go months without you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ashlyn you're the most tender, caring, affectionate person in the world. I love Maverick inherit that, you guys just... always needing touch, always ready for a hug, always planning something sweet. I, like you used to tease me for, am very German, I don't do hugs much or anything, I'm not too vocal either... you are. So you spoiled me. I went years used to always having my teddy bear, always having someone holding me a bunch of times a day, complimenting me, drooling after... that when you were gone for so long, I suddenly realized just how lonely life was when you weren't around. The kids didn't ask about my day, they could only reach my knees in a hug, I... I wasn't missing sex, Ash. I wasn't sleeping with him because I needed a dick or because cheating is fun. He came in and told me pretty stuff and that he loved me and no one had told me that in over half a year, he hugged me, and no one had really hugged me like that in over half a year, so I let him in bed because I couldn't really sleep alone, I just wanted someone to hold me one night. I didn't plan on going further, I didn't envision cheating... but when morning came, he was doing things that felt very well and... I found myself imagining it was you. You remember what you saw, right? He was behind me. I was keeping him there so it was easier to imagine it was you... and the moment I realized what I had done, I swear I regretted it, but during it I... I stopped thinking. All I could think of was how good it felt to have human contact.”

“Okay then putting, it that way I can understand a slip, Ali, but seeing how what you did with him affected the woman you claim to love, with me having bloody seen... how could you go on and start a relationship with him?”

Ali puffed and stood up to fill her glass again.

“Because I'm a horrible person, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” Ali said with excessive harshness. Ashlyn sighed.

“You know we need to talk about these things, don't give me that attitude.”

“Then let's talk about how you love me so much you left your entire family, just like that, for months. Like we were some garbage you weren't going to miss, you left time, and time, and time, and time again and don't give me the 'it was depression' because I need more than that.”

“Didn't you read my letters the night I...?”

“Yes, but still—,”

“Go to my room. There's a box, under my bed, a big one with a tag that says 'Deployments Shit'. It'll be heavy, but it's yours.”

“What does it—?”

“Just look at it.”

Ali frowned and put her glass down, obeying and trotting upstairs. She found the big, heavy, maroon box, and brought her downstairs, setting it on a side of the sofa before grabbing her glass again, and going to reveal the box's contents. Then she was surprised by the finding of a whole portable external hard disc and then mountains of books.

“What the...?”

“The hard disc has all the videos and photographs I took for you and the children over the deployments, all of them. You should've seen me, talking with my phone like some vlogger... but many times connection was shit for calls, remember? So I figured when I came back, we could see... and you'd see not a day went by that I didn't need to talk with you guys somehow. Not one, Alex. It's just that usually I came back and we were just barking at each other so... I kept them there. And the books are every journal of the deployments. My therapist recommended it and in the end, I was always talking about you. You think I just left and didn't give a shit about my family? Well I didn't. I left because otherwise I knew I'd end up killing myself, and I had already tried and seen how much it was hurting the people I loved the most, so I made an incredibly painful decision and left, gave myself a chance to heal, and to be the mother and partner you guys deserve. And it wasn't easy, and I missed you so much, but every day I reminded myself I had to do it, for my own good.”

“For your own good?” Ali snorted, dropping one of the journals she was holding back into the box. “For your own good?!” she repeated, indignant. “How does killing people help you? You've always been tender, empathetic... when you said you were going to the Army, there wasn't a single person in your life who wasn't baffled thinking if anything, it would just destroy you further. And look at this place and tell me it didn't change you. You're still depressed, you accumulate injuries by the year and secretly I'm sure the pain is some sort of relief like tattoos have been, you never talk about the stuff that you've seen out there, and I've seen you wake up with more nightmares than—,”

“And I am alive. And I haven't even thought of suicide again. And I'm seeing my therapist more often than ever in my life.” Ashlyn interrupted her. “Alex, I don't expect you to understand—,”

“Damn right I don't.”

“—but the Army's been healing and I miss it already. Don't you see? How can it not be obvious for you that's known me the most? I was a sad and lonely child until I had a team, a sisterhood, to fight together for something, to lift me up... and when I lost that, I still had my wife, my team to be in this together for something, to lift each other up and take care of each other... and when that began to sink, I was sad and lonely again, but I went to the Army and there it was again, a bunch of strangers to call friends, brothers, sisters, to be in it together, to fight for something we believed in, it wasn't the act of killing... Jesus, I was in humanitarian services Ali, I only ever killed in self-defence! It was the act of having my hands on something again doing something good to give someone joy, to give back to my country, elbow-to-elbow with people who would kill for me, who had my back, who took all the sadness and loneliness again. Of course I saw hard things that affected me and give me nightmares at times, sure, but I could take that just fine because I was strong again. I was a soldier and once more I could feel like there was nothing I could do, and after a few months I was ready to come back, remember I did? Remember I was dropping the Army when I found you with him? Because I felt I could leave that sisterhood and find the way to make us work again, so all the sadness and loneliness would go away... and when I saw what you were doing, I realized I was alone after all and then I couldn't leave the Army. I needed them. They weren't going to betray me, they were all I could trust in that moment, I didn't feel there was nothing else to fight for here. And there hasn't been. Every time I came back was to see I wasn't needed. You had your perfect life with Hamish looking happier than I had seen you in years of marriage, our children were so excited about him, happy with him... the last slap I needed was to hear them call him Daddy to fully feel like I wasn't needed here anymore. That's why I was adamant the children would quit doing that.”

Ali had listened to her so attentively, resisting the urge to interrupt and cut her, until when Ashlyn had finally finished she just felt like suddenly, she was speechless. She flopped on the sofa and finished her glass, her eyes fixed on the box she had left between them, and eventually released a long sigh.

“You have to find an identity, Ashlyn,” Ali said at last, her voice a mere whisper. “Something that doesn't go in relationship to your family. Something that's just yours, regardless of what happens around you, and that can always be yours, for as long as you want it. Something other than goalkeeper, soldier, mother... something you get to keep and let it ground you.”

“Have you got something like that?”

Ali pursed her lips in thought for a second. She almost said 'coach', but at last, her mind went in a different direction.

“Warrior,” came her honest answer. “I am a warrior. No matter what, I have to push through and keep going. It's always been me, when I was a defender, when I almost died giving birth, through our divorce, through you going off to the Army... that's me. I put myself in the hands of the warrior spirit and let it guide me, you know?”

Ashlyn nodded slowly.

“I don't have something like that.”

“You do. You're... you know what, the Pride actually nailed it years ago. You're a fighter. But that somehow went down the drain the more depression took from you. You forgot how to fight.”

The younger woman looked up at her in realization.

“Yeah... yeah, I was a fighter.”

“No, you still are. You just have to find it, and to be fair... saying you were back home is the most fighter-like thing I've heard from you in years.”

“Really?”

“Really. You are not a quitter, Ashlyn, but you were so depressed after Maverick was born and I almost died and the teams weren't there anymore, that when marital issues came, you quitted. You never fought me. You never dared to demand me to stay and hold me accountable like we always held each other. And then you depressed further and quit on yourself and almost killed yourself. And then... I guess it took some fighter spirit to enlist, but still, you were running away. You refused to look at the monsters in your head straight in the eye and fight them. You can't keep looking for a team to feel good, Ash, because life is fucking lonely, you know? It's scary, but it's true. Even if we were still married... one of us will eventually die and leave the other alone. It scares me to death, but I know it'll happen, and then what? We have to learn to keep going alone. Without a team. Without a sisterhood or anything like that. To keep looking at the monsters straight in the eye and fight.”

“That is fucking depressing.”

“But it's the reality Ash. Look at Nana, she's gone! And your Grandpa will follow in not that long, he's already in his nineties and not doing too well—,”

“Don't you—,”

“But it's the truth!” Ali said exasperated. “Sweetie, everyone dies. They will leave us. Our parents, possibly our brothers, and we won't die all at the same time as all of our cousins either, most likely—,”

“Can't we not talk about this?”

“No. You wanted to kill yourself, didn't you?” Ali fixed her eyes on her intently. “You didn't think of the pain it'll put us through then, now you have to think of what will happen when people do die. And believe me it's hard for me too, you know nothing scares me more than being the last one to go... but someone has to be, and we have to be ready to be that person. We have to live our lives to the fullest, keep pursuing goals and dreams, and not depend on anyone to be happy, but on ourselves. Is what you did, what I did, what we all used to do, remember?”

“But I don't have goals and dreams anymore! I accomplished all the ones I had, and then I wanted to maybe be a model, or a show presenter, or something like that... and I failed.”

“You never tried hard enough.”

“Oh, come on...”

“It's the truth. Like I said, you quitted. That's who you have become. A quitter. That was your downfall.”

“Are you here to depress me further or what? One moment ago we were kissing, I liked that much more.”

Ali rolled eyes but side smiled, putting the box aside on the floor to come closer to Ashlyn, playing with her hair. She watched her former wife intently. At nearly thirty-eight, Ashlyn was pretty much the same, physically, than she was at thirty-five, which was quite the accomplishment. She had become even slimmer in the Army, and had lost the slight bit of a double chin that she had been so genetically prone to even when being thin and fit, and that Ali always found adorable, had gotten a bit more bags under her eyes, and her now short and dark brown hair was no longer one she'd take careful care of in her early thirties, but one she just left to be a mess and if anything fixed with one hand without bothering to even put water. Her bruises had mostly vanished by now, at least the facial ones, and she was about as beautiful as ever.

Ashlyn observed her intently, raising an eyebrow, the side of her lips curving upwards a little, teasing.

“All I'm saying is that kissing comes with a compromise. We cannot get back together and keep being a disaster. We have to work on ourselves together, as a family... but also individually each on their own. You need to find fulfilment in something other than other people or family, and get your shit together.”

“And what is your homework, miss?”

“I have to get your trust back,” Ali said simply. “I have a lot to prove to our family.”

Her former parter nodded slowly, leaning her head back against her touch.

“But not tonight. Tonight you're going to kiss me. A lot.”

A tired smile appeared in Ali's lips, and she nodded.

“Right. Pending homework.”

That said Ali leaned forward, and kissed her straight on the lips.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://jantebellum.tumblr.com/post/616566533139873792/thank-you


	9. Mending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting to the end! thanks so much for hanging out with me here. And if you have any other krashlyn fanfic ideas please let me know 'cause i'm struggling for inspiration and i'll give credit ;D

**Chapter 9: Mending.**

That night, Ashlyn and Ali shared her bed, mainly because Ali refused to let Ashlyn take the sofa and because the only other bedroom was the children's, with mini beds Ali couldn't possibly fit without losing part of her legs. All three children already had a normal twin bed at home, but since the room was very small to fit three beds at Ashlyn's, there Ashlyn had instead gotten the transitioning beds from crib to normal bed, that were significantly small, so they'd fit. But at home, the kids had gone from crib to normal twin bed, and they had just adapted the beds with provisional cloth railings.

So they shared a bed and each stayed strictly in their side. Ashlyn couldn't really move, not without agonizing in pain, and Ali liked to curl in her side, and actually at times did so turning her back on Ashlyn, but nobody minded. A kiss didn't mean they were okay. A make-out season didn't either. Ali's heart was still mourning Hamish, missing his big body against her in bed and his manly scents, and Ashlyn was just an easy comfort because of their history and her unwavering love towards her, but the hurt between them still prevailed. There were many bad memories together that seemed to have a physical space between them on the bed.

When morning came, Ali made some breakfast and Ashlyn took her medicine and ate some before going over to her therapist, like every morning, promising to meet with Ali at the house right afterwards. It was still very early when Ali made it home, and everyone was still in bed, so she returned to her own bed and closed her eyes until the twins came over to wake her up.

By the time they were starting to crowd in the kitchen and think of breakfast, Ashlyn appeared, and the twins stormed to greet her, so Ali didn't see her until the war veteran appeared at the kitchen door, with a twin grabbing onto her t-shirt in each side, and surprisingly, walking with a crutch. This was usually done early in femur fractures, but because in Ashlyn's case her entire left side was compromise, with the fractured femur, humerus, clavicle and middle finger all in the same side, she couldn't hold two crutches as it would be necessary, so she had been in a wheelchair and then only putting weight on the leg in physiotherapy. But by now it had been about six weeks, and she walked very, very slowly using her crutch to support her body weight with her good leg while carefully moving the bad leg, then she leaned her weight more on the crutch and made a bit of a leap with her right leg while putting very little weight on her left leg.

“Surprise!” Ashlyn smiled wincing a bit in pain, as every leap made her arm hurt some. But it was carefully and tightly strapped to her body with the sling, so it didn't move more than slightly. “I brought... Raiden, show Mummy.”

The aforementioned, holding a plastic bag, ran to Ali and handed it to her. Ali saw three boxes of doughnuts from their favourite spot, and also bottles of healthy natural smoothies also from their favourite place.

“Thank you,” Ali smiled kindly at her, handing the goodies to her brother, who was setting the table. “Shouldn't you be on a wheelchair?”

“Wheelchair is over, my physiotherapist declared my ribs are fully healed now and I need to start putting some weight on the leg,” Ashlyn sighed in relief as she sat down at the table, thanking Kyle for setting a plate for her.

“I missed you!” Kyle kissed her cheek. “How long does that need to heal anyway? Dad was fine in a couple months.”

Ken had had a terrible car accident just years prior, with leg fracture included.

“Fine is saying a lot,” Ken snorted a laugh, sitting with Ashlyn. “But yeah, how's it going?”

“Well, it definitely won't be a couple months. No honey, sorry, Mama has a big ouchie on her leg,” Ashlyn prevented one of her sons from climbing on her lap. “The doctor says the leg should heal in about four, six months. Apparently I had a chunk of debris inserted, so the bone broke in several parts and it'll be a b—,” she stopped herself in time. “A lil bastard. Anyway, the ribs really do feel good, and my head's better, the twisted ankle seems to have healed pretty well, my humerus will be fine in another couple months, the clavicle is much better and will likely be all right in three weeks or so, and look!” Ashlyn moved her sling a little to show her hand was free off cast now. “My finger healed and I had a chance to see the doc before coming over, so she took away all the cast up to half my forearm. Still will need a ton of rehab to get the strength back, but it feels so good to get rid of it already. So where's Maverick?” she added, noticing her daughter was absent.

“Not here to celebrate the great news,” Ali sighed, putting the food on plates with Kyle and setting them on the table. “Kyle said she was still sleeping when he went to wake her up, and when I went she seemed to be faking it, but I left her alone. She'll have to eat soon though.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn nodded. “Let me try then.” She stood up, clenching her teeth a little.

“No, Ash, you can't just climb the stairs like that...” Ali protested.

“Some stairs and a few broken bones will not stand between my sad daughter and I,” Ashlyn said calmly. “I've done stairs before, I did mine last night, these are bigger, okay, but I'll hold onto the handrail and just leap.”

Ali followed her to the stairs and took Ashlyn's crutch for her, then putting an arm around her waist to help her.

“We work better as a team, remember?” Ali teased, and Ashlyn smiled, taking the advantage of being alone to lean and peck her lips.

“Thank you.”

“Any time.”

Carefully and slowly, they made it to the top, although by then Ashlyn was several shades paler, but the younger mother didn't complain, she took her crutch and continued her way slowly but surely to their daughter's bedroom.

“I'll wait here,” Ali said unsure, sitting at the top of the stairs. Since Ashlyn didn't know what to expect, she nodded, trusting her judgement, and knocked on the door.

“Maverick, it's Mama, it's time to come have breakfast,” Ashlyn announced like many other times in her life. “Sweetie, I'm coming in okay? I'm just checking on you.” She opened the door and found the room quiet, with their girl seemingly asleep cuddled in bed. Ashlyn smiled small and made her way to the bed, happy to sit on the edge and put her good hand on her daughter's back, stroking it gently. “Sweetie pie, rise up. Today's a new day.”

Maverick stretched and opened one eye.

“Mama?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn grinned at her. “Good morning angel. I've brought doughnuts if you're hungry.”

“Uhm...” Maverick stretched. “I'm not hungry. I'm tired.”

“I know,” Ashlyn caressed her sweet face. “Mummy told me what happened. That Hamish left and you got very upset. You miss him, don't you? You're sad.”

“Mummy let him go. He was sad to go, he didn't want to,” Maverick frowned, sitting up but looking beaten. Her hair, so much like Ashlyn's at her age, was an absolute birds' nest. Luckily, it wasn't too long. “I don't want to celebrate my birthday anymore Mama. Nothing good ever happens on my birthday.”

Ashlyn frowned and moved over, pushing her gently so they both lied down next to each other, and Maverick held onto her good, muscled arm, cuddling.

“You know, your actual birth day, the day you arrived, it was absolute shit,” Ashlyn admitted. “You see all these videos of childbirth and in comes this beautiful baby and the parents cry of joy and is bloody perfect... none of you came like that. Not you, not your brothers.”

“Weren't you happy then?”

“Oh, for five seconds, yes. I took you from the doctor and God I've never seen anything more perfect,” Ashlyn smiled at the memory, kissing her forehead. “You were so long, with such legs, and that Harris dimple, and just adorable. I kept telling your Mummy, look what we've done! She's amazing! She's perfect!” Maverick giggled at her silliness.

“Then what happened?”

“Well...” they had by then already told Maverick more or less how children came into the world, because it helped her understand when the twins' came, but Ashlyn still danced around the topic a bit sometimes. “You see, the Mums that actually keep the baby inside until it's ready to come out, they make a lot of physical effort to push the baby out. Your Mummy had gotten really pale, but because she had to make such effort, no one thought anything of it. She was so happy holding you, I swear she looked ten years younger, her smile was the sun there... no one could've suspected she had an injury inside. Nothing you caused,” she reassured her daughter, “just something they couldn't quite see until you were out of the way. And well... things got a bit tricky and your Mummy... well she almost died.”

“Like Nana died?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn sighed. “I remember being with you in the room where they take all the babies, while the doctors fixed Mummy, and just being so full of anxiety and so anguished. I couldn't quite enjoy the pleasure of finally meeting you, after so many months dreaming of that moment... all I could think of was if anything happened to your Mum, if I never got to tell her how much she meant to me again, I didn't know how I'd raise you alone. How I'd survive. But you see, you took my finger, your hand was so tiny it could grip it and still not completely close around it, and it was so comforting. It was like you knew I was so worried, like you wanted me to feel better. And I did. I promised myself whatever happened, I'd take care of my family and it'd all be okay.”

“And Mummy got better.”

“She did. She still felt unwell for a few weeks, so she couldn't quite enjoy you so much in the beginning, but every time the doctors let her hold you I swear she automatically walked ten recovery steps. You've always had that ability of making everyone feel amazing the minute you walk in, you know?” Ashlyn nudged her gently, making her smile. “So yeah, your actual day wasn't the best... but the next year on your first birthday, we made a big party. We celebrated the best day of our lives. We became mothers that day, we got our first baby, Mum survived like the warrior she is... all ended up okay. Your second birthday? Also phenomenal. I distinctly remember there being a piñata, and you almost kicking Uncle Kyle in the delicate areas with the bat we gave you to break the piñata, all by accident of course, but what a laugh we had. And your brothers were only what? Five months... Jesus, they really were minuscule, those two. It was such a happy day. Your third birthday was also great, wasn't it? We had fun.”

“Mummy and you fought all the time.”

“Did we? What a memory you've got,” Ashlyn frowned, curious.

“You were fighting a lot, I don't know why. And just a little after my birthday, you left.”

“Yeah, I enlisted then in the Army,” Ashlyn nodded slowly. “But you know that wasn't about you, right? You are a very smart girl. You know Mummy and I didn't fight because of you, or because of your brothers, you know me leaving had nothing to do with you...” Maverick scowled and looked down, and Ashlyn's heart broke a little. “Baby, look at me. Come on.” Maverick did so, looking so sad. “I'm going to tell you a little secret, okay? Something we don't tell you and your brothers because it's not something kids usually understand. Is a big people thing, so maybe you won't understand, but you can ask questions, okay?”

“Okay...”

“That year, when Mummy and I were fighting a lot and I eventually left... I was very ill. It was an invisible illness, something in the brain,” Ashlyn pointed to her head. “It affected my ability to think clearly, to process things, to deal with life... it made me feel awful all the time, you know?”

“And didn't you go to the doctor?”

“I did. But I still needed months, years to recover. I'm still recovering, to be completely honest with you. And so Mummy worried so much, and we fought. We fought about work, we fought about my health, we fought about Mummy's loads of travelling, remember how much she travelled?”

“We were always with you, and on Fridays you made pizza,” Maverick recalled with half a smile.

“Exactly,” Ashlyn nodded proudly. “We fought because sometimes, adults fight, and even more so adults who love each other as much as your Mummy and I do. It's like you being upset now. You are so upset because you really care about Hamish, but if you didn't care, you wouldn't mind he being gone, wouldn't you?”

“I guess not...”

“And if Mummy and I didn't care about each other, do you think we'd waste time arguing and fighting?”

“...no, at least I wouldn't...”

“Exactly. Mummy and I always loved each other, always will, and our love for you and the twins is like that too, ever lasting, always there. But sometimes we all fight. You fight with your brothers, Mummy might shout at you... and we only do it because when you care so much about someone, it hurts more if they do something that maybe you don't agree with.”

“So Mummy and you disagreed on things?”

“Yes. In a lot of things. We somehow... we decided we needed to be apart for a little while, and so I left. Sometimes when people are very angry... they need to leave for a bit, to cool down, to think... like you've been up here, right?”

“I guess...”

“Yeah. Time and space, that's the key honey. I wanted to be with Mummy and you guys, I did, but I was so ill, I needed to be alone for some time, to focus on myself. I couldn't heal properly and at the same time do all my motherly duties and take care of Mummy, it's like... when you're playing soccer, and two players collide and get hurt. None of them can go and check on the other, as much as they want to, until they feel better themselves, right? So I had to feel better first in order to be here for you in the way you deserve, even though I really wanted to be here.”

“Like... when one of us catches the flu and they have to be alone until they're okay so they don't make everyone sick?”

“That's right.”

Maverick looked thoughtful.

“But Mummy, you went to another country to help poor children. Why could you do that, but not be here?”

“Because... when I was there, I was with hundreds of people doing my same job, so I only had to do very little, and I had hundreds of people to help, and doctors to look after me, and travelling also made me heal a bit. Sometimes is good to go to a new country when you're sad, Maeve. Sometimes seeing new things makes you feel better, I don't know why. My doctor simply said go, and I left, and somehow I felt better. But I wrote many letters for you and made videos to show you when I came back, because I thought of you a lot and I missed you. So one day, I'll show you.”

“Okay but... you could've come back. Many times we knew you were here, and just not... living with us. That you preferred to live in another house than here with us.”

Ashlyn hated how right her daughter was to think she didn't love the family. All she had done, after all, pointed to that.

“Sweetie... it wasn't that I preferred to be living somewhere else. Your mother met Hamish, she was happy with him, happier than with me, and he made all of you so happy. Every time I came here I saw how good he was to you, your brothers, Mummy... it was what you guys deserved and I love you so much I only want happiness and good things for you, even if it's someone else who gives it to you and not me. So I had to leave the house and let Mummy be happy with Hamish, and let him be here with you. After all, he wasn't ill like me, he was healthy, strong, good... just what I want for my family.”

“So it's Mummy's fault that you left? She made you go?” Maverick scowled, indignant.

“No,” Ashlyn shook her head. “I left to take care of myself, I left Mummy very, very lonely, and Hamish came and took the loneliness away. Hamish filled the hol—,” Ashlyn stopped herself, not liking how her words were about to sound. “Hamish made your Mummy company and helped her when I wasn't here to do it. It's my fault, for leaving, that she found someone else to love her in the way I should've loved her, and to stay with her, in the way I should've stayed. It's like when you abandon food on the table and someone else eats it. It's not their fault you left it there, and in the same way, it wasn't Hamish's or Ali's fault that I left an empty space here.”

“But you were ill. Mummy should have understood, right? And then she shouldn't have found someone else, it wasn't your fault you had to leave, and you were going to come back, right? Why couldn't she wait?”

Ashlyn smiled sadly.

“Baby, same goes to you, don't you think? Hamish has left, you still know he's coming back now and then, and still you've been up here sad and not going downstairs to eat, haven't you?”

“Well, yeah but...”

“We don't choose to be sad. It doesn't have to be logic. I left your mother completely alone to take care of _our_ three children for months in a row. The moment I left my family, no matter the reason, I lost my right to demand for her to wait for me. Sometimes that's just the way it is.”

“It's not fair.”

“When you're an adult, and you have your own family to provide for, your own house to pay for, your own job and all the responsibilities Mummy and I have... then you will understand what now is so confusing. You will see that sometimes... life is not exactly good or bad, fair or not... sometimes things don't go your way, not because it's a punishment, but because you have to deserve all the good things you have. I should have found a better solution than to leave my family, you see? I should not have left. It was not okay. And I deserve every bad thing I get for it, but that's okay, it's a lesson, you see? Now I will never do it again. Now, I have learned and understood my mistakes and I know the right path and I can do it. And I will not beat myself up for a mistake I made while being too ill to think clearly, but I will accept the consequences of my actions, hold myself accountable and o better, because that is the best I can do. Your Mum is trying very hard to do the same thing.”

Maverick looked thoughtful for a long time and sat up, tracing Ashlyn's tattoos on her right arm, pouting. Ashlyn contemplated her silently, until Maverick spoke again.

“It made me very sad when you left, and Mummy was very sad too, and Raiden and Wyatt didn't understand anything. And it makes me very sad every time you and Mummy keep making mistakes. You keep leaving, and now Hamish has left, and it's not okay Mama. You don't leave the people who love you.”

Ashlyn cupped her face tenderly with her large hand.

“You are absolutely right, love. You don't leave the people who love you. Mummy, Hamish and I are very, very, very sorry we hurt you with our mistakes, you know? We should have done better. But you have to learn forgiveness, sweetie. You have to forgive us, you have to find a way to stop being so angry... because in this life, everyone is always making mistakes. We don't have a book with all the instructions for everything, we can only learn by trial and error, and sometimes mistakes mean people we love end up hurt, but it wasn't our intention. Mummy and I only want the best for you. We didn't mean to cause you any pain, okay? Just like I'm sure you didn't mean it when you pushed Mummy hard yesterday and shouted at her, did you?”

Maverick looked up to her, surprised she knew, and then ashamed.

“She hurt me and I got upset so I pushed her and I shouted.” Maverick admitted in a low voice. “But she deserved it Mama! When I do something wrong, you or her tell me off and sometimes shout at me, when Mummy got mad at Hamish on my birthday party, she slapped him, so I did what you all do! She did something wrong and she had to learn.”

“I understand, but sweetie, that's not how it works,” Ashlyn looked severe at her then. “You are our child. We are the adults, the mothers, the ones giving lessons here. We understand you were angry and it was an unusual situation, so for this one time we will let it slide and you won't be punished, but if you ever, ever, put your hands on anyone to hurt them, you will be punished so badly any other reprimand you've ever gotten will feel like a caress, understood? And if the person you try to hurt is your mother, your grandparents, any of your uncles and aunts... sweetie that's twice as horrible, and I promise you if I hear something like that happens I will spank you.”

“Spank me?” the house had a serious zero violence policy and everyone knew, so Maverick was horrified and her eyes filled with tears.

“Well yes. And I will hate every minute of it, but if that's what it takes so you never raise a hand against your mother again, I will do it, and you know better than to test my limits.” Her tone had become serious, admitting no negotiating, and it made Maverick upset.

“That's not fair! You do whatever you want to me and—!”

“We are sorry,” Ashlyn sat up too, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Maeve look at me. I am sorry. Mummy is sorry. We did not mean to hurt you. But we are your mothers, we work our butts off to feed you and your siblings, to keep a rooftop over your heads, to buy you toys and make you happy... we do everything for you. Our whole lives revolve around making you happy, so hey, we made a mistake, so what? We apologize, but you should remember all the good we do for you every day. You should remember as your mothers, we get to punish you to educate you because it's our job to help you become a grown-up one day, who can handle life and do well... but it's not your job to punish us. Our parents already did that when we were little. The least you could do after all we do for you is try and forgive us, don't you think?”

“No! You ruin my birthday every time, it's not fair, and then Hamish leaves and you're going to leave and you're very, very bad! You and Mummy don't do anything right!” so angry as she was, but knowing better now than to put a hand on Ashlyn, Maverick grabbed her nearest stuffed animal and threw it across the room as hard as she could, and Ashlyn knew they had a problem about as big as Ali had estimated. Their little girl was on full teenage mode, and although rightfully hurt, she should've forgiven and forgotten already, keep holding grudges wasn't going to help her.

“Pick that up,” said Ashlyn, trying her best to keep her calm. She had really thought they were getting somewhere with her explanations.

“You pick that up!”

“No, you get up and pick Mr Prinkles up, and set him on your bed,” Ashlyn said firmly. “I am not asking. I am telling you what it's going to happen.”

“You're not my boss!”

“I am your mother, and you will do what I say.”

“You're not my mother!” Maverick shouted, her words feeling like a kick to Ashlyn's stomach. “If you leave then you're not my mother anymore!”

“What else Maverick? Tell me,” Ashlyn locked eyes with her, unwilling to let this end like that. “Do you feel better telling me that? Do you feel better hurting Mr Prikles? Does it feel good to hurt the people who love you? Because I apologized to you, and you're still hurting me. I made a big mistake, I hurt you without meaning to, I said I was sorry, and you still shout at me, tell me hurtful things, but you mean to hurt me and I didn't. So now what?”

Maverick started to cry in despair, not knowing what to do anymore, overwhelmed.

“Go away!”

“I won't,” Ashlyn reassured her softly, picking up the animal and setting it on the bed again. “I'll tell you what, okay?” she said gently, putting an arm around her daughter. “You're going to cry now all you need. I will be here, and I will hold you, and I will love you. I won't be angry. I won't punish you. But then, you have to forgive me and you have to ask me to forgive you, and ask Mummy to forgive you, and we have to make amends, all of us, because anger is not leading us anywhere, is it? Aren't you tired of being angry?” the little girl nodded, crying. “Then we won't be angry anymore. We will take you downstairs, and you can have some doughnuts, and just like that we leave this in the past, Maverick. It's that easy, okay? We put this behind us, we forgive our mistakes, we move on. And I will stay. I promise I won't leave you anymore, I promise Mummy and I will make sure to do better, okay?”

Maverick nodded and slumped against her chest, needing her mother's comfort. Ashlyn wrapped an arm around her and let her be, feeling horrible inside knowing she was partially responsible for this mess.

  
  



	10. Family, again

**Chapter 10: Family, again.**

“Don't leave,” murmured Maverick. She had fallen asleep at last, after only half bed-time story, once they had had dinner after taking Maverick to see a child therapist for the first time ever, while Ashlyn and Ali went to couples' counselling and the lucky twins got to play with Kyle and Kenneth all afternoon. So all the women were exhausted, and yet after dinner had gone through bathing all three rambunctious children and reading them to sleep, just like the old times.

Now, Ashlyn and Ali had been sitting by Maverick's bedside for nearly an hour, just watching her sleep, and just when they had decided to leave Maverick had squeezed Ashlyn's hand, that she had been holding when she fell asleep, suddenly awake after feeling the movement.

“I'm only going to bed, love,” Ashlyn reassured her softly. The two hour therapy session had done an unexpected lot for the little girl, but she'd still need a few more sessions and the therapist, who had been recommended by Ashlyn's long time own therapist, and who had several decades of experience, had warned them they had a very sensitive sponge-like girl and to watch themselves specially around her. “I'll be in the guest room right in front, I promise. You can find me whenever you need me.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” Ashlyn squeezed her hand. “But if you go back to sleep and stay here, I will see you at breakfast, okay? Pancakes.”

“With Nutella?”

Ali and Ashlyn exchanged a knowing look and Ali gave in with a nod.

“Yes, with Nutella,” Ashlyn accepted.

“Deal.”

Ashlyn smiled and kissed her forehead.

“Sweet dreams angel.”

“If you need anything you know where we are,” Ali added, caressing her hair and tucking her in again. “We love you.”

“I love you too. Even when you make mistakes.”

Ashlyn and Ali exchanged a smile.

“We love you even when you eat too much Nutella,” Ashlyn joked, and Maverick snorted a small laugh, already falling back asleep.

As they left their daughter's room, Ashlyn and Ali both sighed in relief and exhaustion.

“I swear, I am ready to go to bed and never wake up,” Ali murmured, dragging her feet.

“Good luck with that, don't the twins still wake up insanely early at times?”

“Hopefully not tomorrow. Kyle swore they ran in the park with the dogs until the kids begged for mercy.”

Ashlyn snorted a laugh and Ali smiled small at her, accompanying her to the guest room and helping her with an arm around her hips.

“God, it feels great to be back.”

“Thank you,” Ali pecked her cheek. “Couldn't have done it without you.”

“I must admit at times I thought I wouldn't make it,” Ashlyn half smiled, kissing the top of her head. “But we're a good team.”

“We are,” Ali nodded, and yawned hard. “God where are the dogs again?”

They had to make sure not to accidentally lock them somewhere.

“Storm's with the boys,” Ashlyn replied. “And Logan...” she looked around and then peeked her on Ali's bed, as the master bedroom's door was wide open. “Looks like you've got company.”

“How romantic,” Ali joked. “Goodnight Ash.”

“Goodnight. Sleep well.”

“You too.”

When Ashlyn finally made it under the covers, she grinned to herself. They were back in the game, bitch.

**. . .**

**TWO MONTHS LATER**

When Ashlyn slept, she seemed dead. Ali had crooked the door open and peeked inside, holding the children back, making sure her former wife was decent. Her arm was almost fully healed, but it still hurt like a bitch because due to her leg, clavicle and finger, she hadn't been able to do the rehabilitation exercises soon enough, nor get into the right postures to sleep, and it had been way more immobile that it should've been, which had stiffened the muscles and tendons and now it would be a longer time than usual before strength returned to her arm and the pain would completely vanish, so it didn't surprise Ali to see bags under Ashlyn's eyes. She probably had needed hours to fall asleep, as per usual, and now she felt bad waking her up, but she could go back to sleep better. It was her birthday, after all, and on birthdays they had _traditions_. Specially with the last birthday of the house. Traditions they had upheld for years and that Ashlyn had missed for a very long time.

“Okay,” Ali whispered, turning to her children, “remember no squashing Mama, she's still healing, and no touching her legs, all right?” The three kids nodded diligently, still in their pyjamas. “Ready, set... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

They yelled at the top of their lungs, and all three children jumped on the bed. Ashlyn's eyes snapped open, startled, and she immediately relaxed feeling her children's tender lips on her face and their sweet voices uttering happy birthdays.

“Oh my! Thank you,” Ashlyn remembered now how birthdays usually went. It was their duty to wake up the birthday person.

“Happy birthday Mama!” Wyatt said, jumping on the bed by her side.

“Thank you,” Ashlyn smiled, rubbing the sleep off her eyes and yawning.

“How does it feel to be thirty-eight Mama? You're old,” Maverick joked, giggling.

“Old? Old?!” Ashlyn feigned indignation. “I'm young and beautiful! Only a year wiser.”

“Okay, kids I do remember there are pancakes getting cold downstairs, so off you go, I'll be right there,” Ali encouraged them to start moving and, ever putting food over all priorities, the children finished their affections and ran out of the room, declaring in screams just how many pancakes they were each going to eat. No matter what they said, Ashlyn and Ali knew the numbers by heart. The twins would maybe eat two each, if lucky, and Maverick would eat two while asking to have two more, but then would realize there was no way she could have two more.

“That was short, you took pity?” Ashlyn joked, looking sleepily at her. She was only wearing her boxers and tank top, so her muscled tattooed arms were exposed for Ali to admire, and her hair had grown a good length for Ali to properly bury her hand in it, at least. Therapy had been working, and she looked happier, calmer.

“Well I couldn't give you my present with them hoovering,” Ali closed the door and grinned, trotting to her bed and sitting on the edge, leaning over Ashlyn to kiss her hard on the lips. Their relationship had sailed again, in top secrecy, supervised by their couples' counsellor and now Ashlyn moaned against her lips, wishing they were having sex again, which was yet to happen, as they were taking things slow, with secret dates like in the actual beginning of their relationship.

“I do like my present,” Ashlyn said at last, lips swollen, when the kiss ended.

“I love you,” Ali said before kissing her again. “I'm so happy to have you here.”

“Me too. I love you so much,” Ashlyn brought her hand to her lips to kiss. “Hey, maybe it's a crazy idea but... my leg will feel quite better by Christmas, I will probably be more comfortable walking with a cane, my arm's rehab keeps going well... so what do you think if after Christmas we grab the children and head somewhere fun on holiday? A couple weeks somewhere fun, just us, celebrate our wedding anniversary, our family, New Year's Eve... Christopher will be happy to keep the dogs, he already told me.”

“Uhm...” Ali looked interested. “What were you thinking of?”

“New Zealand. I know is a tortuous flight, but we can fly with a private jet, comfortable enough for the children, find them a few films for the flight... and it'll be sunny, warm, summer, with these green, wonderful, incredible landscapes,” Ashlyn said with a dreamy voice. “And you want to know the best part?”

“Continue...”

“We can marry freaking fast. No need to plan anything, is almost like Vegas.”

“Ashlyn...” Ali looked unsure.

“Baby I love you and you love me. We're a team. We're meant to be together,” Ashlyn caressed her face lovingly. “We already had our perfect wedding, this is just a formality... we'll get to have the kids be part of it this time. And then off to the beach to catch a good sunburn, you know? And I'm talking about crystal clear water, white sand, incredible forests... it's going to be wonderful. We start the new year properly, uh? Together.”

Ali knew she was going to be convinced no matter what, and shook her head with a small smile.

“You're impossible.”

“I know. Which is why you'll marry me again.” Ashlyn smirked knowingly.

“I'd marry you any day. It was so much fun that we should totally do it again,” Ali smiled and cupped her face, kissing her again. “But if you leave me again...”

“You'll make me eat my own ovaries, I know.”

“Right,” they kissed again. “Are you sure though? I mean... I did break your trust once...”

“I know the woman I married. I know it won't happen again, we'll do it right this time. I'm yours if you'll have me baby.”

“Of course,” Ali felt emotional, so in love as the first day, if not more. “I'm yours. It's always been you, and if you trust me... I'll do anything. Let's get married.”

In the months that had passed since Ashlyn had returned, everything had been baby steps, but as they descended to the kitchen to meet their hungry offspring, it was clear that everything was, slowly, coming back to some sort of normalcy. Maverick was laughing away with Ashlyn's antics playing with food -even though they often commented food was to be eaten and not to be played with- to make them laugh, and the twins had chocolate up to their eyebrows, and Ali stood back, her ass against the counter as she held a large mug of coffee and grinned at her family, and felt all the broken pieces get back together in her chest with a glue stronger than a rock. She knew everything would be okay.

They were back in the game.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Please remember Fanfic Authors are often unappreciated. Yes, we don't write best sellers, we write for love and we write for free, when we have time, through studies, jobs, life... we write because we love writing, but we CHOOSE to share what we write with you, so the least you can do is show your writers your appreciation. As you can see I spent a whole year writing without necessarily publishing, because like many others, I don't NEED to publish. I do it hoping it'll bring other people the joy it brings me to read and write. But it's up to you to keep updates going, and not make us feel like we might as well keep the work to ourselves. Thank you!


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